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Angry angry angry

Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I was just laying here making notes on things I wanted to talk with my therapist about tomorrow.  Because I can't just see what pops up - things must always be productive. But hell, if I'm paying money to bring shit up that really upsets me in a effort to get down to the bottom of why I'm such a freak show, I figure I better go into things with some sort of game plan.

Anyway - where was I?

Oh yes - angry. 

There's been a reoccurring theme over the last few weeks, and a solid handful of people challenging me in it. I know sometimes I direct things into those obstacles, mostly because that's just how I process things for the sake of learning by experience.

Each of these things is making me aware of how often I feel like I'm not being heard. Life is all about communication and I've always been blundt to a fault - it's humorous, really. I think it's always been out of necessity, but the truth is I will beat myself up immediately after I say how I feel because I'm terrified I have upset the person I said it to - even though I am generally fair and kind about how the words are delivered.

But I've been getting better at being more direct and letting people know where I stand up front in a effort to derail from the Shame wagon and just be honest and clear about what I need, where I'm at, what boundaries I may require in a situation.

And let's be honest here - putting yourself out there like that is scary when you are rewiring the old ways you've been doing things for 30+ years. But I am trying - and you win some, you lose some. But now the losses don't hurt as bad.

What surprises me though is in all this work, how much people don't hear me, which makes me wonder - what's the point anyway? This is god damn fucking frustrating because I am saying EXACTLY what I mean, very clearly. So when you don't seem to hear my the first time, I'll be patient. And the second, still patient (a little less). And the third... Fourth... Ok, five times?  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!???

And then my dad genes kick in and I want to slap you around. Does that make me feel good? No, by apparently it exists in me that you're going to understand what the hell I am saying if I make a big, mean, scary scene about it.

And then we both feel bad.

(No one has been slapped, I promise). 😉

But something has to change. I don't know if this is more of the "things get worse before they are better" shit, but I don't like it. It's ugly, it's dark, and it's stayed hidden for a really long time. How is it all going to go away? I'm just going to scare and alienate enough people to completely ruin all of our lives, and then I can forever lay in bed alone feeling even more depressed than I have felt over the last few months? 

I have never felt so low. I've never felt so down on myself. And you know what makes it worse this time? I feel that everyone can see it. 

What a sad, miserable fuck I am. But that's ok. I can say that here, because no one hears me anyway.


About me

I'm Sami Jo From Denver, CO, United States Samantha loves to travel, lose herself in a good book, practice yoga at her favorite local studio, The Yoga Mat, and connect with friends, old and new. Her love of working with creative minds extends into her personal endeavors, as well. She and her husband conduct a project called "Songs For Jake," a music collaboration channel designed with the simple mission of getting great songs to one really big music lover. Through her business, Roger Charlie, Samantha focuses on publicity and management, working closely with authors, musicians, and creatives who find value in a more personal approach through communications.
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