Samish

Redacted.

2012-01-23T23:21:00.001-07:00

I take back that post below. Mostly because I watched The Notebook. And Ryan Gosling and his scruffy beard and hair - and that story just always reignites my heart and refocuses 100% of my hope and faith. Yeah, I'm a girl - what of it?
Love like that just has to be on the way to me...because I never settle, because I know I deserve it and i'm pretty enough, and smart enough, and gosh darnit... people like me.

No smell, no love?

2012-01-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm at this bizarre crossroads. I really thought I was ready to date again, but after only three weeks of signing up for an online dating site (I PAID for it, and thus feel like I need to participate), I'm mostly just pissed that I have this extra thing to manage that I now, don't really care about.

I'm questioning everything about the whole human quest to find love, saddle up and call it good. I'm sure this is something everyone going on 30 thinks about, but I've thought about it so much that I just don't even consider 'finding love' as a concern or goal I'm striving toward anymore. I've leaned more toward going with my gut, and when it's right it's right, if it's not... don't dwell. And I can get away with that now at 29... 30. But what happens if i'm 45 and still saying that? Still alone? I just... wouldn't be surprised anymore.

Why? Well, let's do a list (cause this girl likes lists):

1. I've always heard that 95% of attraction is based on pharamones/smell. And If I have no sense of smell - then do I ever really stand a chance?

2. Despite my sucky sniffer, I'm still convinced I've already found it. Nay - my heart AND GUT are convinced (my brain is still trying to talk them out of it for my well-being). What I recently realized is that it doesn't really matter how I feel if the other person isn't / or is never going to get there. Granted, there's more than one 'one' out there for all of us (or so 'they' say) - but after a decade of looking - I'm not really hopeful.

3. Given #1 and #2, I can't honestly see settling down with someone for 40+ years and not getting mondo-annoyed with them. It seems like this quest for love is just something for all of us to talk and cry and dance around about, just so that we can end up in a relationship / marriage / partnership where we are frustrated and feeling like we have to work too hard at maintaining a happy lifestyle.

I have to think they don't just make up all the beautiful films they do on romance if it didn't at one time ACTUALLY occur. You know what writer's are best at: Writing what they know.

Well this is what I know:
I asked my mom a month or so ago, "have you ever been in love?"

Her response?: "Oh yes, lots of times. It's easy to love."

Hmm... I must have missed that gene when little baby sami was made... *sigh*

Home Sweetie Home

2012-01-10T22:37:00.002-07:00

Finally picked myself out a rug, and my house is looking mighty chic (thank you landlord for the christmas gift!). Feels good to feel good at home.

Also - loving this - "Nobody better pinch me, bitch - i swear i'll go crazy."

Here's the deal...

2011-12-30T22:58:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I've been walking around with dating 'beer goggles' for the last ten years. Its the only way I can explain my dating experience over the last decade... because all I've done is settled for subpar men who have regularly disrespected and hurt me when i never settle for anything. Thankfully, they've all given me good lessons on mothering, trusting my gut (I swear...it has yet to be wrong) and that (surprise, surprise), its not my job to fix their problems.

The goggles finally came off, my heart opened and im feeling fully secure in myself and my ability to pick stand up, quality, deserving, no excuses, darling men from here-on-out. And also... hopefully men with beards. Handsome beards.

Speaking of... does anyone have any beard goggles? :)

I need some help.

2011-12-26T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have an insane need to just live... somewhere different.

Denver is awesome as a home-base, but I've had the chance to move around consistently the last 6 months and when I get away from home - I don't miss it all that much any more. Not to say i'm unhappy there, I just feel really ready for a good change and some new adventures.

In particular....I see a quiet cottage/cabin in a small town about an hour or so out of a bigger city. Forrest. Nearby water. My very own dog. (maybe this is in a mountain town outside of denver. oooooh - rebel! - tho i'd love to be near the ocean.) I'm ready to do all the work to make it happen. What I dont' know is where to go, or where to start... If anyone has any good recommendations of where this place may be (i'm literally up for anywhere) - can you please get in touch?

thanks.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Two cards this year... familia, and with my favorite man. haha:

Anger/Hurt be gone....

2011-12-15T22:11:00.001-07:00

finally.

thank you, good sir, for sitting with me through it. holding my hand, holding me, and doing all the exact right things without me having to tell you (or making me feel embarrassed). You helped guide me back to happy. it meant the world. you mean the world.

you are a gem, my friend. i hope you know!

My favorite thing...

2011-11-30T00:03:00.001-07:00

No, not a touching post about my 100% wool knit blanket.
Or a tribute to that Oprah issue the lady queen of america does every year.
Or Holiday.
Or living out of a suit case.

My favorite thing (*cough sarcasm*) is that thing that women do when they walk up and say "oooooh my god, I feel so fat/ugly/bloated/wrinkly/insert self-insult here: ______" and women automatically are all, "ooh, stop! you're beautiful!"

no, you stop.
just... stop.

My family is TERRIBLE at this. I can almost predict the exact response i will recieve to any minor put-down that escapes my mouth. Actually, for years, our holiday get-togethers have often felt like a bit of a fashion show. We all dress up to be pretty (i just really love dressing up to be pretty) - and when you walk in, it's almost always a given - somebody will tell you how thin you look.

Even if you have gained 20 freaking pounds.
"Oh my god, I know right! I should eat more piiiiiiie."

Guilty over here. I thought of this not because I feel fat and am fishing for compliments. But because I haven't been sleeping well. I'm convinced this is from rolling my ankle while dancing around my house in a sports bra and sweatpants to justin timberlake a few weeks ago. This, in turn, has messed up my gait, which has REALLY messed up my back. Nothing has gotten better, because i refuse to stop walking/yogaing/dancing at zumba, apparently. Long detour away from the point - I have not slept well because of the back, and I look in the mirror and have the oh-so-gorgeous black and blue under-eyes that no miracle cream could ever fix.

But, i guarantee you if I walked up to my mom, or a good friend, or anyone that isn't under the age of 8, they'd be all, "ooooh stop! you look beautiful!"

uh....no. not today, sweetie. do you want me to draw you a diagram? We can make it like when people get plastic surgery and then you can play connect the black permanent marker lines into the shape of a pooooony. *whinny*

It's no wonder we have such a hard time accepting compliments. Because we are all taught from a VERY young age to:

1. say aloud the thing we are insecure about, with just a hint of desperation, of course, so as to solicit some kind of response from anyone within ear shot.
2. wait as we anticipate feedback that 'null-and-voids' our self-bashing comment
3. take it in, even though we know it's horse shit
4. somehow feel better. i don't know why. maybe because we for one moment gained power in making someone do what we wanted. yeah... that's it. I CAN CONTROL YOUR MIIIIIIIND!

Not to say that every compliment is loaded and not genuine. But you can tell. And I guess shame on any of us for going through step #1 to make the remainder of those actions happen. I try not to - honestly, when i'm bitching about flaw a or flaw b, it's because that's how i feel, and i'm fully aware, and you are 100% okay to agree with me. For the record though, when the flaw does get better, you're also welcome to tell me how much prettier i look then when i was all broke down and breakin' mirrors. :)

Holy Crow (A sloppy, disorganized post)

2011-11-27T22:31:00.009-07:00

Long time.

Mostly because no one ever writes when everything is honky dorey - or when you're SO ANGRY you're stuffing all of your anger into your jaw and suffering major pain... and you can't express it in a public forum in fears someone will find it.

by the by - if someone can write the owner of www.samijolien.com and tell him to please direct the web address elsewhere, i'd sure appreciate it...

Also - no one writes when shit gets real and you are caught in a cycle of panic and worry and focus on things more important. life's been steady. busy. not all great - but taking things a day at a time, and reaching some bizarre calm zen by going to yoga on a regular basis (3-4x per week).

after being home a week + for the holidays and not going consistently, my attitude is definitely feeling the affects. (effects? fuck - i never remember this).

i'm also vacillating between 'use men like kleenex' and 'men are all mother fuckers.' i'm not actually sure those don't stem from the same place, but moot point - i can't decide where i'm at most days, though today - i'm definitely in the latter. it doesn't help when i have to be around it and see all this first hand. i hate that i feel this way. really. but come on, men. cowboy up and stop being such useless babies. pull your weight. accept women are the superior species. drop the ego, apologize once in a while, and stop taking advantage of our kind, compassionate natures. (gross. i sound like such a feminist...)

the trouble here is that i really want to have a baby to place in the front seat of my future jeep, with my loyal, four-legged canine in the back - but how the fuck am i supposed to tolerate the man i created it with for the rest of my life once that happens?

giant dilema here. babies need a daddy - and a good one. i truly want that for my hypothetical child(s). and i want to look down at my babies and fall in love with their faces - partially because i love their father and the traits he will give them. but i just can't see how that's supposed to happen right now. i am so pissed. and disappointed. and sick of never being at my best with someone because they always inevitably bring out my worst. i fare better on my own. but... i don't want it that way. what is a girl to do? probably adjust her attitude. why can't i just stomp my heels a bit, and let someone else do alllll the work for a change? I think i will. Ok... i'm back to "use men like kleenex."

no... more like, in kindergarten, and you like someone - so you just beat and tease the living shit out of them on the playground. but that description is too long. so... "playground beatdown," ???

This angry hate phase sucks tho (to all people, not just men). It instantly backfires because i feel like i can't be snotty pants without feeling guilty for how it affects the people around me (how come some people are born with the ability to not care about what people think, when I have to be so painfully opposite?).

Then I am constantly overcompensating for my actions by worrying about how the other person is feeling.
like this...
1. give the chilly santa (for lingo confused: cold shoulder)
2. be short, when someone is being perfectly pleasant
3. storm away in a satisfied, justified huff.
4. sit alone and internalize about how rude i was.
5. wonder if this will hurt all future interactions with person.
6. make a pact to be better, not bitter.
7. go back to person for a 'do over.' will be kind and drop all crappy feelings.
8. get struck with unexplained hate.
9. repeat steps 1-8.

ahhhhh!!!! i can't pull out of it.
sneaky hate spiral, anyone?

whatever. the point is - sweet sami's gone a little rogue. let's hope it's just a phase. i think it should be. i really dont enjoy being this callous. but life sometimes includes doing things you don't enjoy.

Bakey Bakey...

2011-10-10T23:18:00.000-06:00

I've done a lot of cooking/baking up in here.... (we'll get to that later)

My favorite made-up fix (because i needed a canoli)

1/4 cup marscapone
1/3 cup powdered sugar
1 tsp vanilla

mix all together - throw on some mini chocolate chips, and scoop up the mixture with a cinnamon graham cracker.

Enjoy it so much, that your stomach pushes out, and you get to enjoy a million strange dreams when you finally get to bed...

Autumn Banana Bread

2011-10-05T20:25:00.000-06:00

Yes, of course. You give me two weeks alone in my parents house, you're going to get me cooking/baking a BUNCH because my mom has a killer kitchen.

So here I am on day one, and I noticed there were some browning bananas on the counter, so what's the no-brainer decision? Banana bread.

Only, I never can do anything exactly by the instructions, so I did a bit of experimentation with the recipe from Deceptively Delicious (which is still one of my all-time favorite cook books because it really makes you think about what is going into your body, cuts out a lot of sugar, and never gives you gut bomb after you eat anything featured in the book.

Her Original Recipe is good, but I made a few modifications to make it gluten free, and added a little flavor (pumpkin spice). I generally sub-in sweet potato or squash for cauliflower, but his time, I left out a vegetable puree and just added in another banana. I also eliminated eggs, so anyone with allergies - have at it. I normally opt for chocolate chips in my banana bread, as well, but the flavor was so amazing (literally tastes like pumpkin bread pudding) - they just weren't necessary. Some melted butter goes a long way tho...

"Autumn" Banana Bread

1 1/4 cup flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup applesauce
4 mashed bananas
1 tsp vanilla

Put on a cute apron.
Heat oven to 350.
Pam a pan.
Throw everything in a bowl.
Pour mixture into Panned Pam.
Bake for 55-60 minutes.
Eat.

Soak it up! We only get fall for so long...

Brave girl

2011-10-01T23:01:00.001-06:00

On account of so many men behaving like cowards out there... I am becoming a bit of an expert at giving myself closure when a guy acts like I am the most shiny object he has ever held in his hand (for months, mind you) then disappears with no regard or respect or consideration for my feelings. I will never understand this. I don't do this to people. Why is it so much to expect that someone else could just return the favor. Pony up - and just be honest rather than hoping things will just eventually smooth over (by the way... calling me in 2-3 months to apologize and redeclare your sentiments is unacceptable). I want an apology now. Now.

So thanks all of you (particularly the most recent who went and picked himself up a new custom-made family and let me find that out through a third party) for hurting me so much while i was all patient and understanding (which im pretty sure is the definition of being loving and unconditional) to just end up feeling like a total FOOL. Acting like this is not okay. Ask anyone.

At least I tried. At least I have positive take-aways to help me learn. At least I can work my heart muscle and (god, hopefully) give it to a brave, deserving man someday.

Enjoy that bed you made. Oh, and please...Never. Contact me. Again.

Blurg

2011-09-23T17:00:00.001-06:00

Anger/hurt's got the best of me today. :-\

September 2011 is the Month of...

2011-09-19T23:55:00.001-06:00

Letting Go. Setting Things Down. Dropping Things That No Longer Serve. Relinquishment. Abdication. Surrender.

Around August 30th, something in me just snapped, and I decided not to go one more day with excuses, or carrying around things that weren't mine. I chose to stop holding on to past insecurities. I opted to stop building guards/walls that only keep people away, and most importantly, to let go of the things and people that don't serve me well. Not that I am some queen of the world, but I consistently care, love and support those i care about and rather than wrap myself in jealously, dis-inclusion or sadness when i don't receive 100% reciprocity, i instead chose to set all of those feelings that do not serve a purpose, and get on with it.

This has always been so hard, but for whatever reason - i'm just ready this time around. I am 100% confident in saying that.

I feel like I finally found the gene that allows me to just be myself, not apologize for it, and stop worrying so so much about how everyone i come into contact with will be affected. i still care, i just refuse to own anything that isn't my own anymore.

Most importantly, all of this means that clear out room for a lot of fantastic, new things to come into my life - and while i am already lucky enough to have a pretty fantastic life, this whole purge of junk that has been taking up space and sure cleared a lot of room over here in samiland :) watch out - manifesting powers in FULL effect.

Look at me now - I'm all dressed up in your words today

2011-09-11T22:20:00.000-06:00

I love September. It's always a life-changing time for me. This year is no exception. I am beaming mother effin' sunshine.

transformation in progress (in all aspects of the word)...

Oh... my.... land.

2011-08-25T00:34:00.000-06:00

I guess it has always been in my nature to respond to all inquiries/invitations/friends/phone calls/texts, etc. in a timely fashion because

1. It's polite.
2. It drives me nuts to have anything on my 'to do list'

Grad school introduced me to the idea that it's not possible 100% of the time - but I still seemed to make it happen a solid 87% - Mostly because of my DNA construction. And truth be told, as much as I love social events and get-togethers, there are always the occasional offers that I want to decline, but don't want to be rude, and I have to tell you... "I'm sorry - I have class," "I have too much homework," "I have a huge test to study for," really became my fail-safes to get out of things that I didn't really feel like doing. And best of all, it was for a valid, genuine reason. I really was too tired.

As soon as school ended a few weeks ago, I suddenly panicked... "How will I avoid the people I don't want to spend time with, now?"

Four days later, my part-time contract for a publicity firm went full-time, and now, I talk to people all over the country. Book a tour in New York, then over to Sacramento. Quick to-do in Chicago, then back over to the east coast. Oh! Have to run by the book store near my house and inquire about some club events.

I... love it. And it's literally my perfect fit. I get to socialize, work on my own time, come up with creative ideas to get in where I need to (that's what... he said?), and use my brain smarts that have gone wasted at a lot of my past jobs Even all that high graphoria skill I scored in aptitude testing that I always hate in large quantities, but is actually really beneficial as one piece of the publicity puzzle. Best of all, I've managed to avoid getting pushed into that 'secretary' roll that all men do when you're the only gal in the office. Instead, I wound up working with two of the most amazing women I've ever met that value my skills, cheerlead me on when I'm having a rough time, encourage my ideas, and allow me to do the same for them.

The thing is, that I am stimulated so much that when i finish my work day, I don't have much left to give in my personal life - even though I want to. But, i'm trying. And ironically, that excuse I wanted to replace school arrived pretty easily.

Return a text a day or two later? Yep. Never return a phone call? Likely. God forbid... I let Facebook Messages sit idle in my inbox for days, maybe weeks... Yep. It's happening.

Luckily the last few years kind of allowed me to whiddle out all the soul-suckers and keep just my quality peeps around, so I dont' have to worry about passive-aggressive drama where'in I have to feel bad for, well... living my life. I'm kind of scared to see how this all goes when I meet the guy I want to have babies with and start doing the 'mom' job along with a career. yikes.

Hopefully I'll hit my stride, and then i'll have to find a new excuse to bail on things.
I hope the next big thing is because i blacked out in a star-shape in the middle of my bed; drooling on my pillow for 9-11 uninterrupted hours of slumber (read: no dreaming, no cats screaming at me to eat, no four-hours of tossing and turning to fall asleep at night, and no obsessive need to read 'one more chapter' in whatever bedtime novel i chose).

This is the goal for fall...

the pie of sadness

2011-08-11T01:02:00.003-06:00

i am mostly happy, but deep down. deep deep down, i'm sad pie. out of concern. and worry. and general sadpie-ness over the giant bitch that is timing.

what can you do?
oh... nothing.

sad.
pie.

I'm not really one for the adage....

2011-07-24T03:46:00.000-06:00

"absence makes the heart grow fonder..." but, man, i am missing mr. sweet face so so much.

maybe that's when you know your heart actually means it.

Full Circle

2011-07-18T02:23:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling oddly like I've circled around to about 8-10 years ago. Music-wise, life-wise, style-wise, people-in-my-life wise. I'm having particular experiences that remind me of being in college and it's hard to explain why, but it's not really reminiscing in unhealthy nostalgia or feeling stuck in the past... it's just like... I've developed this life that I love, and brought back all of the things that are of key importance to me.

Seems appropriate in the last year of my twenties.

Life is good.

In a totally unrelated issue... these songs are good, too. :) Enjoy!

Matt Nathanson - Kiss Quick (lyrics) - I could probably post a song a day from Matt's new album... that's how good it is. I'm noticing a lot of influences from current and 80s music. Chords and such. But his lyrics, as always, are spot on. I think maybe in the business perspective, if Matt had a competitive advantage - it would be the ability to write love songs from a girls perspective. Who knows how - but the songs are all the more effective because of it. It's always been refreshing to not here a guy bitch about a girl leaving him - because you know it was for good reason. :)

The chorus is perfection: "Kiss quick, I've got a line out the door, who all think they can save me. One by one they lay the world at my feet, one by one they drive me crazy. Shut your mouth and pull me out before it all goes gray. One by one they lay the world at my feet, one by one they go away..."

Cold War Kids - Skip the Charades (lyrics) - just perfection... I think they're coming to Denver next month. Since i've missed them every other time, and because i'll be finished with school and will actually have a life again - i think i might go! who's in?

And you know, maybe to tie it all back in, Aerosmith - Full Circle (lyrics)

I listened to Nine Lives when I was home last and forgot how crucial that album was in shaping my teenage years. I can't believe I excluded Mr. Tyler and Perry from my 30-days song list. LOVE Aerosmith so so so much. Hell, I am an Aero-force one certified Member. :) I've driven across states to see them in concert. Dorky, huh? :)

What an Incredible Day...

2011-07-16T01:46:00.003-06:00

I got up at 9am for a conference call and then worked on... everything today. Work. School. Home. Four loads of laundry. Cleaned/organized every nook and cranny in the house. It is true, that once you start, you just keep going (or at least I do).

When I was in Larry Crowne, the idea to create a Closet Office came to me. Once I had a picture of what I thought I could create, I had to do it. Plus... Working from home, it's lovely to have an official space to work in.

So, I went to home depot today, and bought paint (Egyptian Nile - guess that color), wood, cinder blocks (what a bitch) flowers, and then walmart at midnight (after I had finished piecing everything together) to get a few nicknacks for office things. Total? I think I spent around $83 dollars. But it looks like a viable, beautiful space. That i want to sit at. For hours.

It seems that a number of things in my house have been waiting for me to create this space because everything just fits in... so... nicely. This came together really effortlessly. The exact measurements I needed were available. The exact pieces. The color, everything. I don't know how I got so lucky. Maybe it's planning, or maybe I just have gotten better at visualizing a realistic outcome... It used to take me 2-3 tries to get things right.

Not only that, but it expands on my original idea of having my tv in my closet for movies. Now i have everything hooked up so my computer connects directly to my big screen sony, and I can use it as a computer monitor (hello photoshop work!) as well as watch movies on netflix in bed on a normal-sized screen, instead of curled up to the glow of my 17-inch macbook.

Funny how I have a two-bedroom apartment, and the second room is a closet and my bedroom closet is, in a sense, a room. But the best part of the office? I can close it off like it doesn't exist whenever I want to. You would never be the wiser. :)

It turned out just as I hoped. And it's my favorite aesthetic - pretty, but functional - and the perfect mix of male and female.

This modern love is just a taco truck.

2011-07-10T02:10:00.000-06:00

This sums it up perfectly. i love matt. so. much. thank you for somehow understanding exactly how all the good girls feel.

at the precipice of really having no f*@(ing idea what i want anymore, i'm just going to sing this loud and fuhgetabout it. take the drama, cause baby it's worthless.

she said this talking
kind of wears me out
and all these salesmen
baby, make me tired

they're no good, to tell you the truth, she said
I've been getting used to lying

they send me love songs, with store bought words
they make me promises, like politicians

we stumble
and disconnect
over and over again

this modern love is not enough
she said, watch your back
I'm nobodies girlfriend
this modern love is not enough
oh oh oh oh oh oh
They said one big exhale never did me no, good

I'd let em in, I
Oh man, I'd let em win
I'd burn my house down
just to hear them scream my name
I've carried hope
and heavy daydreams she said
but I'm done with sleeping

take the phone calls
take this circus
take the drama, cause baby it's worthless

this modern love is not enough
she said, watch your back
I'm nobodies girlfriend
this modern love is not enough
oh oh oh oh oh oh
They said one big exhale never did me no, good
one big exhale never did me no good

and the bright light shines
and we ache and we break and we try
stage light shines
and they blind our eyes
to it all
still we ache and we break and we just can't get it right

this modern love is not enough
she said, watch your back
I'm nobodies girlfriend
this modern love is not enough
oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh this modern love is just a taco truck
come on take the phone calls
I'll take the silence

this modern love is not enough
oh oh oh oh oh
one big exhale never did me no good
one exhale
one big exhale
yeah one exhale never did me no good
never did me no good

Needle Can't Burn (what the needle can't find)

2011-07-08T00:01:00.000-06:00

What's he say? It's not my style. Just a stylized version of an obsolete file.
*I knew it was genius to rebuy Rock Crown. 7mary3 is so effing good.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #30

2011-06-30T00:41:00.000-06:00

Song from the album you played over and over and over in high school - Seven Mary Three - Lucky

Such an underrated band! Rock Crown is still one of my most very favorite albums. I think Times Like These is my favorite song (I listened to it about 1,000 times when I had pneumonia and needed something to fall asleep to). I couldn't find the best rendition of it online, so check it out on itunes or something...

And that concludes our spectacular. There are a few other music challenges I have found and I may continue those categories... I haven't decided yet. I'm kind of running around like a chicken with its head off here with work and school and everything else... but it keeps me sharp on my love for music... and I kind of love that. :)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #29

2011-06-29T00:38:00.000-06:00

Favorite Vocal Performance - Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye

Such a huge talent. I've seen some musicians that try to replicate him - and I always have to wonder - why would you even try? I respect your taste in music, but no one can sing like Jeff. No one.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #28

2011-06-28T00:37:00.002-06:00

A Song with Chord Changes that Really Thrill You: Metric - Combat Baby

The correct answer would be Tool or Perfect Circle, because dude plays some really obscure chords, but the build in the bridge of this song ALWAYS makes me happy, because it literally explodes into the chorus... and it really does thrill me.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #27

2011-06-27T00:34:00.000-06:00

Favorite Oldie: Beach Boys - Don't Worry Baby.

Okay... probably because of the kissing scene at the end of Never Been Kissed (Yes, I was 17 and in fact, had never been kissed, and so i kind of was attached... laugh if you must). But the beach boys deserve a shout.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #26

2011-06-26T00:33:00.000-06:00

Song by the First Band You saw in Concert: Pearl Jam - Daughter

Just after I got trampled in a mosh pit... and surely thot it would be how I was going to die. They were amaizng live. natch.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #25

2011-06-25T00:32:00.000-06:00

Song You Sing in the Shower: Phoebe Buffet (Lisa Kudrow) - The Shower Song :)

Love it.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #24

2011-06-24T11:53:00.000-06:00

Song Your Parents Played at Parties: Tom Petty - Room at the Top

I'm not sure my mom ever really threw parties, but if I had to figure out how to make that true - any rowdy, uncontrollable-laughfests always included Jake. So - here's a little Tom Petty.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #23

2011-06-23T11:48:00.000-06:00

Last Song that Got Stuck In Your Head - Matt Nathanson - Modern Love

Let's use this to promote a new release this week, shall we? This is a performance last night of the title track off of Matt's new album. I'm not loving the new image, but this sounds spectacular with the horn section! And I still love his sexy hip dancin'. Matty will always be my very most favorite.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #22

2011-06-22T11:47:00.000-06:00

Song that Infuriates You - Train - Hey, Soul Sister.

"My heart is bound to beat right out of my untrimmed chest." REALLY!? All of the lyrics are terrible. What's more irritating is that it's SO DAMN CATCHY! bahhhhhhh.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #21

2011-06-21T11:47:00.000-06:00

Song by an artist you used to love, but now are ashamed of (because either you or they changed) - Mariah Carey - Fantasy.

It's not me, it's you, Mariah (actually... pretty sure she's always been, well... Mariah, so I guess it is me). I am more than a little embarrassed to post this -but 1. this song ruled and 2. it's perfect for the first official day of summer! Sunny Days ahead, my loves!

Let's move along now, shall we?

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #20

2011-06-20T11:39:00.000-06:00

Song You Clean House To - Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone

I put Lykke up there at the top, but made a little bit of a playlist for you - should be be cleaning house... :)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #19

2011-06-19T11:38:00.000-06:00

‎30DSSS - Day #19 - First song you ever illegally downloaded - Methods of Mayhem - Get Naked

I went to college at the HEIGHT of Napster - so I can't remember what my first downloaded song was... but I do know I went for a lot of dirty gangsta rap. I was going to go for Akinyele - Put it in your Mouth, but it seems too vulgar... so, I toned it down JUST a bit and went for Methods of Mayhem :) Roof Roof!

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #18

2011-06-18T11:36:00.000-06:00

‎30DSSS - A Song from the First Album you Ever Bought with Your Own Money - Wallflowers - One Headlight

I bought two simulatneously. Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites and Wallflowers - Bringing Down the Horse. Maybe not the coolest items, but using my own dollars to buy music for the first time was a very clear memory. Plus it's Bob Dylan's son... awesome. Pretty sure I had a huge crush on him. Why do I always like the goofy-looking dudes?

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #17

2011-06-17T11:33:00.005-06:00

30DSSS - A Song Recorded by an Artist Who was Under 18 at the Time of Recording - Jonny Lang - Rack 'Em Up:

Biggest no-brainer of the 30 days. I think he was 13 when he recorded this song (although he is older in this live version). Jonny reminds me of many a night in Julie Ann Lien's kitchen! He is sooooooooooo dreamy - and talented. and awesome. And he wrote a song called "Irish Angel" also included below... :)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #16

2011-06-16T11:31:00.002-06:00

Biggest Musical Misstep by an Artist you Usually Adore. Lady Gaga - Born This Way

Yeah... I said it. I love love LOVE her. She's an amazing performer. She can sing like all get-out, and I super respect her as a business woman. But... stick to the objectify men/girl power shtick and stop preaching at me. I support what you're pushing, but you're kind of getting obnoxious. Plus... the whole weird birthing thing? I get the symbolism, but creeeeeepy!

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #15

2011-06-15T08:00:00.001-06:00

A Song You love from a Genre/Artist You Generally Dislike: Stabbing Westward - Save Yourself

Now, I appreciate alternative rock. And 80s rock. And Metallica and, you know... LOTS OF THINGS. But I don't tend to go for the industrial rock. Why? Because it's too hard. I dated a guy once in a metal/industrial rock band and everytime he "rawwwwwwrrrrred" i'd roll my eyes at him and say, "You know, you sound a lot prettier when you just sing it instead of screaming at me."

Either way, I loved this song an entire summer when I was 16, living in Ft. Collins and had 100% access to 106.7 KBPI (which still rocks the rockies). This song is genius.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #14

2011-06-14T23:52:00.003-06:00

Favorite Duet/Collaboration by Two Artists you love: Glenn Phillips and John Mayer - Walk on the Ocean

Gorgeous. Early early on in John's career (i think when he was opening up for Toad...). I don't have a whole lot more to add to it then that. :) Enjoy the piercing photo of John as you listen. In all honesty, he kind of looks like my friend Joey...

Uh... and this is more than two artists, but i forgot how FANTASTIC this project is --

George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Roy Orbisson and Jeff Lynne (cowriter)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #13

2011-06-13T11:47:00.001-06:00

Song you put on Everyone's Mixed Tape: Amy Winehouse - Me & Mr. Jones

This is a completely unfair category, because everyone who makes mixes knows that they are purely subjective to the person receiving it, state of mind they are in and mood you are attempting to move them into by giving them the cd. I know some songs have made a few appearances on various mixes, but I chose Amy because it's current (kind of) but brings a 60s vibe to the table; it's not one of her huge hits, so people who don't have her albums generally miss it; it's a good slowdown on an upbeat cd, but can also serve as a pick-me-up on a breakup compilation, and it's always fun to dance to in the car. Besides, Amy is phenomenal. And fuckery is bar-none, the best word. EVER.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #12

2011-06-12T11:43:00.000-06:00

A song you love but can't bring yourself to listen to: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras.

Greaaaaat song. GREAT. I can get through most of it, but when the grand finale chorus hits, I generally can't make it through. My friend Christopher who passed used to cover this and nailed it. And since i can't hear him play it anymore, I just can't seem to give this a full listen anymore. You enjoy, though.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #11

2011-06-11T12:00:00.000-06:00

A Song Which Seems Incredibly Deep No Matter How Many Times You Hear It - Patty Griffin - Florida.

So I have this amazing friend that makes me mixed cds on a regular basis. One year, when I was going through HELL and back, she not only wrote me a song, but gave me a mix that included Florida. It pertained to what I was going through, and kind of tapped into some past history with my 'dad.' It's a sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-while-tears-stream-down-your-face kind of a song. And it ALWAYS gets me. Patty Nails it.

30-Day Song Song Selection Spectacular Day #10

2011-06-10T11:52:00.000-06:00

A Song Which Makes You Think, If Temporarily, That You Love Everybody!: Lily Allen - LDN

This seems easy. How do you make Sami happy? Give her a bike (or moped). Give her a pretty dress, and comfy shoes. Surround her in a protective, rose-colored bubble and with good music. I have always bobbed my head side to side to this song, but the video couldn't be more perfect!

30-Day Song Song Selection Spectacular Day #9

2011-06-09T09:38:00.001-06:00

Song You Heard Live and Instantly Became Obsessed With: Howie Day - Ghost/Beams of Light

Uh... Obsess much? Howie ruled a good two years of my life, until he started drinking entire bottles of alcohol and participating in shady antics on his tour bus. Oh, and the whole dating Britney Spears thing...

I maybe should have saved this for Day #21 - A song by an artist that you used to love, but now are at least a little ashamed of (because either you or they changed) - but truth be told - this was in heavy, heavy, HEAVY rotation. And... i'm really not ashamed by it. I was given a photo pass at one of his shows to be in the pit, and i have a million photos to prove it. It sounds creepy, but talk to any Howie fan in the 1999-2003 era, and you'll observe the same characteristics.

So, yeah ... after my creepy set up - enjoy:

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #8

2011-06-08T09:27:00.000-06:00

Song that made you pull over in your car - Edwin McCain - Sign on the Door

Sometimes a song just speaks directly to you. This was one of them. The first time I heard it, I was convinced it was Jonny Lang - but alas! Edwin comes through. It's great when you need to just curl up and cry. Which, lets face it... all of us need once in awhile...

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #7

2011-06-07T23:12:00.001-06:00

Song that Breaks Your Heart with the First Few Notes: Adele - Someone Like You

This literally makes me grab my chest to hold my heart. I don't know why it struck me so much, but for awhile I couldn't even listen to it. Girl's got an amazing voice - I'm so glad she shares it.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #6

2011-06-06T23:08:00.000-06:00

Song You Can't Hear Just Once - Neko Case - Hold On, Hold On

One Line: In the end I was the Mean girl, or somebody's in-between girl...

This always gets two solid listens in my car (While singing at the top of my lungs, of course!)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #5

2011-06-05T21:25:00.000-06:00

A Song You Hear While Shopping: Duran Duran - Ordinary World

I don't really like this question, because I know I always hear the same songs when I shop, and I know I always sing/dance my way through the store, but I honestly can't think of any particular song. It's like when you get in an argument with someone and you bring up a frustration and they ask you to give them an example and all you can say is, "............"

So, I went for an 80s tune, and hope that you hear it next time you go buy Bananas.

On a side note... even though these kinds of people are KIND of obnoxious, I thought I'd post this, because it was mildly amusing (and Scissor Sisters are totally bad-ass).

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #4

2011-06-04T21:11:00.015-06:00

Favorite Break-Up Song:

#1 Dave Matthews - Stay or Leave - My last ex played this for me while we were still dating. This song KILLS me. Even though the smoke has cleared, I still cry when I hear it. But... it is kind of just the sweet, perfect goodbye to cherish good but recognize that cutting ties was in the best interest of both parties.

#2 Lissie - When I'm Alone - This runs close second because I think I listened to it EVERY SINGLE DAY from August - December of Last year. While I walked. While I drove. While i laid in my bed and angrily cried. This got me through the healing process over not one, but two men - which apparently were addressed simultaneously. This mostly applies to one over the other, but it helped build me back up.

#3 Maroon 5 - Through with You

This is by far my favorite, favorite, FAVORITE angry break-up song. I used to take many a drive in Flagstaff and just speed through highways singing this. Really taps into your dark, angry side. Songs About Jane will always be at the top of my favorite album list.

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #3

2011-06-03T21:05:00.000-06:00

Song from your Favorite Movie: Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal - Surrey with a Fringe on Top

I have a LOT of favorite movies. But this one has always stuck with me (in fact, i may go watch it right now...). I thought rather than get all moody on you with some indie film (like... Ryan Gosling singing in Blue Valentine (sha-wing!) - I'd go goofy and post this. :)

30-Day Song Selection Spectacular Day #2

2011-06-02T10:11:00.000-06:00

Favorite Love Song: Zero 7 - Somersault

This one was easy, because I met the person it described right when it came out. Not a year later, we were spread out on his floor under christmas lights listening to this and I got to fully absorb it. Just listen to the lyrics...

30-Day Song Song Selection Spectacular Day #1

2011-06-01T17:28:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine turned me onto this, and I thot, hey - sounds fun. So... stay tuned over the next thirty days for music, music, music (Read like... "Sunday SUNDAY SUNDAY!") This is meant for facebook, me thinks, but I figured I could use this to expand/share some other videos that definitely are included, because if you're anything like Rob Gordon, you can't ever pick just one. I"ll try to list these ratings wise top to bottom. Oh Yeah, categories are as follows:

1. Favorite cover version of a non-obscure song.
2. Favorite love song.
3. A song from your favorite movie.
4. Favorite breakup song.
5. A song you hear when you're shopping.
6. A song you can't listen to just once.
7. A song that breaks your heart with the first few notes.
8. A song that made you pull your car over (or otherwise completely halt whatever it was you were doing) the first time you heard it.
9. A song that you first heard live, that you became instantly obsessed with.
10. A song which makes you think, if temporarily, that you love everybody! (think: uplifting anthem).
11. A song which seems incredibly deep no matter how many times you hear it.
12. A song you love but can't bring yourself to listen to. (You fill in the reason.)
13. A song you put on everyone's mix tape.
14. Favorite duet/collaboration between two artists you love (or maybe you only love one of them).
15. A song you love from a genre/artist you usually dislike.
16. Biggest musical misstep by an artist you usually adore.
17. A song you like recorded by an artist who was under 18 at the time of recording.
18. A song from the first album you ever bought with your own money (extra credit if you rode a spider bike to Woolworth's to make the purchase) or first 45 if you're old enough to know what that is.
19. First song you ever illegally downloaded.
20. A song that you clean house to.
21. A song by an artist that you used to love, but now are at least a little ashamed of (because either you or they changed).
22. A song that infuriates you.
23. Last song that got stuck in your head.
24. A song your parents would play during parties.
25. A song you love to sing in the shower.
26. A song by the first band you saw in concert.
27. Favorite oldie (a song you grew up thinking of as an oldie).
28. A song with chord changes that really thrill you.
29. Your favorite vocal performance.
30. Song from the album you played over and over and over in high school.

Day #1: Favorite Cover Version of a Non-Obscure Song.
#1 - Howie Day covering Toto - Africa...mostly because I've seen this live a few times and was always entranced by his looping skills. Also, since Howie doesn't exactly fit into any other category in the list for me, he needed to be included somewhere because I was mad-obsessed for about two solid years in my twenties...

#2 - Lissie covering Hank William's - Wedding Bells... This was on repeat when I was getting over not one, but two men (no, i'm not a two-timer, I just didn't address the issues until all at once. Pretty typical, really). I think if I were still broken hearted and crying on my long walks, this would have made number one, but... girl is happy these days.

#3 Maroon 5 covering NIN's Closer... I saw Maroon 5 open for Guster about a year before they hit big in Tucson, AZ in 2002 and when they played this, they had my heart.

#4 - Matt Nathanson covering Lyle Lovett's - If I had a Boat... just precious. i adore this man. and lyle lovett ain't too shabby, either. :)

Yip! Skip! Yip! Skip!

2011-05-21T01:45:00.000-06:00

I ate a scary amount of food today. Hot, huh?

I also had an unusually successful shopping day... which may be because I knew exactly what I was looking for. I need to keep that in mind with things, because every time I base intentions for something on that principal, I always always find what I want...

So... good news. I was put in touch with a publicity firm in Nashville, hit it off with the owner, and signed on for a part-time contract over the next few months as a trial run. Additionally, she is flying me out to New York City this Monday through Saturday to help her team through some conferences/events for their clients next week. I keep browsing the itinerary thinking two things:

1. Oh my land, this looks like a blast!
2. Holy cow, I'm going to be tired..

Um... I'm sorry - did I step into someone else's shoes? I am blown away and beyond excited...
New York in the Spring? for a week? Doing what I love? Shyeah... I think that's just the ticket right now.

Holy cow...

2011-05-17T23:26:00.002-06:00

I am still processing all the fantasticness of today... more on that later, but i wanted to share this. i adore tj thyne.

Manifest Time

2011-05-16T23:14:00.000-06:00

All I want... is a modest, cozy home with a kitchen fit for lots of cooking/baking and wine drinking with loved ones around the kitchen island, a stone fireplace with a big wooden mantle in the living space, a loft with a white, cloud-like bed, a giant closet, a huge bath, a big yard (that i get to mow) by a little bit of water and... a baby berner. and a jeep. and maybe a moped with a basket for groceries.

i can picture this life.
i am going to start manifesting.
watch out.

I'm good, I'm gone.

2011-05-07T02:04:00.001-06:00

In a bathroom...

Why is this so hilarious?

2011-05-03T01:42:00.001-06:00

Proooooobably because all of my brain power is gone from writing EIGHT THOUSAND papers about self-reflection...

Turtle Turtle Turtle... wait - Tortoise!

2011-04-28T23:58:00.003-06:00

I have been slowing chipping away at my todo list this week. But... of all of the things I'm happy to have finished, I do have one favorite. Which actually has me wondering why can't i just have a job where i give people presents? It really is my favorite thing...

Sami Jo original baby blanket #2 for baby boy Coy.

God Love him (i know i do).

2011-04-26T15:38:00.002-06:00

Want! Nay... NEED.

2011-04-11T23:54:00.000-06:00

My mom and I stopped to get coffee this morning, and these two were sitting out front waiting for their owners. I need that tiny puppy. I think it's a golden retreiver mixed with some kind of wire-haired species. It had flowey-gray fraggel hair over it's yellow coat. If anyone can help me identify, i'd be super greatful!

Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

2011-04-06T23:51:00.003-06:00

Every time I hear this on the radio, I say, "This song is awesome" and then promptly forget to find out who it is. For some reason, it sounds/feels like a Throwback, so I've always assumed it's from the early 90s. I love it. Great build.

Maybe we're coming back around to some solid music... This screams to be a song during the climactic scene of a romantic comedy (a la john hughs) just as the guy wins back the girl, and they start kissing in the rain.

My Life is SO HARD!

2011-03-31T23:50:00.000-06:00

No, i'm not enamored at all!

2011-03-29T09:39:00.000-06:00

Necessary

2011-03-28T23:37:00.004-06:00

I hit The Yoga Mat before class tonight, as my body was screaming for a good stretch after traveling through tennessee last week. Every time we practice, we're asked to place one intention for the hour. I repeated in my head "release my hips!" with an additional hope that I'd stretch out my sides, which have been killing me the last few months. I think the Yoga instructor maaaaay be psychic, because we focused on those two things specifically and i went to class feeling pleasantly stoned.

I also signed up for a one-month unlimited account and aim to practice 3-5 times per week. I'm still keen on the walking, but my body needs a break, and having practiced a handful of times over the last month, i'm remembering how good I felt in college while doing yoga 2-4 times a week. Hell, i even grew an inch and a half. Here's to hoping. I need to tone up my arms and some other wobbly bits. Now i just need to find a day-time (cheap) dance class and I'll be golden... (hula hoop in the park to my youtube favorites list? hmm... yep!)

I was going to be productive today...

2011-03-27T19:21:00.004-06:00

but then i had a wonderful night with a cute boy, breakfast and chai out in the sun and a million bud lights and some dancing today at the UMX. Oooooh shoot!

The hardest part.

2011-03-20T19:01:00.003-06:00

You think it would be the easiest thing in the world to maintain control of yourself, and only yourself, but noooooo. We (maybe not all) have the occasional desire to manage/control outcomes with other people, when it simply can't be done. Conversely, it seems the more you try, the more you mess things up. And if you try to force things anyway, why would it feel good if you got what you wanted? It wasn't because the other person wanted to take action, it's because you made them... and why would you ever want to make anyone feel that way? I know i never want to be some thing in someone's already busy life that they feel they need to manage. I just want to be a person that leaves you feeling built up when we part ways, and good and easy about our time together.

I am definitely getting some good lessons in this lately. But, it sure is hard when you have been with someone that is 1000% control and never offered any freedom to breathe. I think it's intrinsic that i am a fixer so that doesn't really help, either. But certain people come into your life at certain times for a reason, and just like it was forced down my throat that i should constantly worry, be jealous and keep constant insecure watch on a person, i'm lucky enough to be around someone now that is showing me that's not the case. That there are genuine, open people around me that I can trust, and that I don't have to worry about hurting me on a daily basis. I'm really thankful for that.

I'm not saying the adjustment is a cake walk. I fight self-sabotage on a regular damn basis, but change takes time. and it's a nice change, and i'm sure eventually things will move to auto-pilot, so i'll just keep pressing on... man, it's hard work though.

No Obligations Day

2011-03-19T21:58:00.003-06:00

Aside from the usual two-hour walk this afternoon, the majority of my view today has been this:

My patio door has been open to let in fresh air, and my computer has been propped on the radiator next to my bed (because it's been warm enough to shut off the heat) so I can stream quirky Netflix films from my instant que. What a nice, lucky happenstance that I had the ability to shut down for a day and just relax. And... eat peanut butter and chocolate frozen yogurt with gummy bears, blueberries and vanilla wafers in bed. Hey, I've got nothin' to do today but smile.

Dig it.

2011-03-15T23:01:00.001-06:00

Em had a great photographer at the wedding last weekend, and we did some urban stuff outside on the walk to the reception (how efficient!)

here's a teaser... i dig it! look at emma's cute face!

Manners, people?

2011-03-14T00:08:00.002-06:00

Every time I hit the airport, I always notice one thing, and it ALWAYS bothers me. I think it's mostly because it's something always practiced in London, and it just makes sense, and so when a handful don't get it (read: Americans not from the east coast who understand a busy lifestyle), it kind of gets obnoxious.

When you're on a moving walkway or an escalator, it's proper form to move over to the right side and make way on the left for the people that have a more hurried pace, rather than standing there like a giant boulder. I don't know why this always irritates me, because i generally plan far enough ahead so that I don't have to sprint through the B terminal, but I do have a generous strut and I don't like to be interrupted.

So, here's your lesson, in case you haven't observed this directly and aren't practicing. I appreciate your compliance. And so do all of the other travellers maintaining a generous walk to make their flight.

favorite

2011-03-12T00:06:00.002-07:00

Ooooooooh...

2011-03-09T22:41:00.006-07:00

I'm so tired, but I don't want to go to bed, because it means the thing on the other side means I have to WAKE UP and that just sounds horrible right now. Does that frame of thinking make any sense? I feel this way a lot... which is probably why I have trouble sleeping so often... :)

On an upside, I have to post a text conversation between a friend and I that made me bust up during class... because we both get scarily hungry for candy when faced with midterm stress and we're tired:

Me: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii want mt pie.

Friend: Ha! iiiiiiiiiiii want midterms to be over.

Me: I meant my pie. But now I want a mountain of pie.

Mount pie. With cool whip snow on the top and caramel runoffs.

Friend: I understood. And I want Peeps to frolick in the caramel runoffs with. And a york peppermint pattie bathing suit. And sour straw sunglasses. And a taffy hat.

Me: Oh my god. I am so tired and that is probably the best text I've ever gotten and I'm trying not to pee my pants in class.

Friend: Shh.. shhh... shhhhh... just pee. Maybe the teacher will end class early.

Me: hahahahahahahaha.

I also want reeses trees and zour birdies.

Friend: oooooooh. And robins egg whoppers. And a choco-taco. And a pancake.

Me: What else?

Friend: Apple-o's, hot tomales, candy buttons, sixlets, sweedish fish, war heads, mike n' ike, haribo gummy bears, sour patch kids, violet crumble, sugar babies, fireballs, almond joy, fruit and nut, ritter sport (cornflake), sour jelly bellies, Reeses mini cups, mint three musketeers, stale red vines, grape tootsie pops, circus peanuts, sour s'ghetti aaaaaand... funyuns. OH! And Caramel Cremes. The kind with the powdered sugar center.

Me: Omg. What about alcohol?

Friend: Yea... and candy flavored alcohol. And wine coolers.

Me: And Mudslides, naturally.

Friend: And White Russians. And Sweet Tarts.

Me: And oatmeal cookie shots. Shit. Why am I leaving tomorrow? This could all be a reality.

Friend: I have had nights so epic, I've woken up with apple-o's in my hair...

I mean, really... we could probably constitute 62% of the material on texts from last night.

Heeeeellllllllllp!

2011-03-07T00:24:00.002-07:00

I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to accomplish everything I need to in the next two weeks, but I'm sure going to try. I swear midterms are worse than finals. I suspect a few things (people) will have to fall to the wayside, buuuut, i have a sneaking suspicion they're going to understand.

If you don't hear from me, come check on me, won't you? Make sure I haven't turned into a raging alcoholic. Or that i'm not sitting in a small room rocking back and forth in a straight jacket...

Farewell, My Black Balloon

2011-03-05T11:00:00.001-07:00

Eeeeemotional Week

2011-03-05T02:25:00.003-07:00

I've really had to take one day at a time this week.

School has been consistent as always, but i haven't been able to focus on anything due to some news overload about an old friend, my bitchy attitude last weekend and being a shoulder to someone who really needs one right now. All of these things were a giant precursor to this Friday, which I thought would bother me more, but really went... okay. Why? Partly because of the slowness of taking everything in this week and handling all the emotions involved accordingly. But... I gotta say, most of the up-turn came from my company last night, the sweet way I was awoken this morning, and the shiny coat tails of smitten-ness i got to ride all day long. I have always been a sucker for the corduroy jacket...

Aside from my little boast on having a full heart, and I am mostly here to remind you that there is a new moon tonight and supposedly if you write down some good intentions/manifestations, they're bound to come to fruition within the next week (especially if you're a fish, like me).

So... if you have anything on your mind, try it out and let me know how it goes...

And, this sums it all up.

2011-02-28T22:48:00.003-07:00

Friday-Sunday were... not great. Luckily, Samisaurus Rex finally left the building this morning. But... up until the point she became extinct, let's just say... this pretty much sums up the past weekend.

On Being a Girl...

2011-02-27T20:35:00.003-07:00

I really hate it sometimes. I'm pretty cool-as-a-cucumber as a modern-day variety chick, but sometimes i just can't slow my role. i think i need to scrawl out some kind of inspirational 'chill the f- out' mantra in big, black sharpie on a piece of paper for my fridge. ya know, just a reminder.

i guess two out of every 50 days ain't bad. but, really? even i'm annoyed by me.

On Today's Agenda...

2011-02-26T16:25:00.002-07:00

except for eating york peppermint patties and lounging in the bath... at the same time.

Adele -21

2011-02-22T23:14:00.002-07:00

Out today. Seriously, 22 years old now...love her.

Yep.

2011-02-22T13:33:00.001-07:00

This pretty much sums up how I've always felt.

Music

2011-02-17T12:48:00.003-07:00

So, one thing that's remains consistent (and why I'm going out walking about two hours after I had planned) is my obsession with music videos.

That being said, youtube/vevo has been a good outlet to satiate this desire. So... I often check things out based on what comes through the contract pile at AEGLive, hear something new via the interwebs, NPR World Cafe and All Songs Considered, or a multitude of other avenues (hello, word of mouth) and throw the good stuff on my YouTube Channel's "favorites" list.

If anyone has a similar interest, I've linked my YouTube Channel over there on the left sidebar under, what else?: Music! Here, you'll find my own videos I've uploaded (yes, you can make fun of me hula hooping, or being a nerd in general), or check out the aforementioned "Favorites" Channel for a good stream of music videos while you work, study, clean up around the house or waste valuable time when you could be contributing to the well-being of your surroundings.

Additionally, if you have any good suggestions, e-mail me, please and thank you.

As of late, my ears have been exceptionally hungry for some delicious new snacks.

manifested.

2011-02-17T00:51:00.001-07:00

my little visionboard has already paid off tenfold. sweet sweet sweet sweetness. i love when i get what i ask for. :)

Hold Your Heart.

2011-02-15T00:30:00.001-07:00

Hmm...

2011-02-14T15:12:00.003-07:00

Can someone tell me how someone who is completely technologically retarded has figured out how to send me e-mails containing a voice recording AND a photo from his phone because he doesn't have any other means of getting ahold of me? How incredibly creepy. Let's count e-mail number four for valentines day - complete with a super uncomfortably lame picture. Gross.

Boozy Friday

2011-02-11T16:54:00.004-07:00

This is what I'm doing currently at the Internship...

Kiiiind of lucked out this semester, me thinks. :)

Radio is really a different animal.

get out of my head... and into my heart..

2011-02-09T23:01:00.002-07:00

or i guess into my gut...the root of all things true and intuitive, for me anyway.

i think it key to stay out of thr head when concerning most matters. but, how difficult the task when women are predisposed to operate so often through the brain. my best defense? staying busy... filling the brain with other complex information. sleep. ahhh... sleep, but then those dreams will come back and bite you. hard.

im not sure what im saying here, except that something occurred to me today that maybe i should or shouldnt be concerned about and i cant tell if its (a) nonsense, because by the time i'll get an answer it will be so far in the future and how i feel now will have only been a momentary concern, (b) a strange defense mechanism kicking in for the sole purpose of being difficult or (c) valid, considering the circumstances. i may have to opt for option (a) just to make life more simple and hope i dont end up hurt in a future scenario...

confused? yeah, me, too.

(sh) it just got real...

2011-02-08T22:41:00.002-07:00

i've been being so lax about school the first month that i guess i wasn't really impacted with how much i actually have to do... oooh, honey. i just looked over the syllabus for assignments and realized i should have read and done 20 problems for a second finance chapter tomorrow (woops) and... my financial calculator is stupid. i'd rather use my phone/excel, but can't because of the cheaters out there...

then this negotiations class is killing me. i know i said i like writing better, but this might just completely kick my ass this semester. good thing it's the last one. BLARG! i'm going to have to start buckling down... :( no likey.

I have got to start taking more videos...

2011-02-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

Because things like this happen:

oh... so thats how this works...

2011-02-04T04:03:00.001-07:00

you spend years and years listening to people explain a universal thing that everyone seems to have experienced. except you, that is.

i think that notion defines 28 for me. i have... 16 days until i flip over to that new number and im really thinking about all of the shifts that have occurred over the last 349 days. i was promised a year of tumultuous change. a hard road. and it was delivered. but in an exceptionally different way than i expected. all of these things have resulted in a more comfortable, happy, giggly me that is surrounded by the same and especially as of late, i feel like ive serendipitously been enveloped in all things sweet and loving. im not sure if its a result of hard work, or karma from past experiences, or some natural progession into a life ive always wanted to manifest for myself...(god, i sound like such a hippie), but i feel lucky. whatever the reason...

Dining Out Alone

2011-01-30T19:41:00.003-07:00

I decided to get pho after seeing a movie and came armed with some magazines to catch up on some popular culture. the waiter has been hovering over me and a table next to me offered me their dessert.

Im not pathetic and lonely. Im just hungry and in the vascinity. I PROMISE.

Unfortunately i was placed next to two yuppy suburban moms who apparently have too much time to sit and chat about what designer goods to donate to upscale charity marts (these exhist?) and why going to hawaii is such a terrible idea because it's "two wasted vacation days. TWO WASTED DAYS!" Who can one up the other on where they will vacation for the summer?

"we're going to disney land in june."
"oh, well WE"RE going to disney world."

Really? i hope this is never me.

dance, dance.

2011-01-30T02:12:00.003-07:00

i went dancing tonight. not sure why i don't do it more often. i ended up in the drag dj booth to have him/her play a katy perry song for my friend for his birthday, and bitch was a bitch. friend stuck up for me. drag dj came and apologized me, kissed me on the cheek and told me he/she loved me. all is well in my life.

i really just have moments where i feel like, 'man, my life fucking rules.' tonight was a good reminder.

this song is my new heaven... (along with a little slice of curtis. and sheila).

Hummmmm... what's that clicking?

2011-01-27T20:16:00.003-07:00

The title has nothing to do with anything, except for that it's a hilarious inside joke.

This is a little bit of a hodge podge of thoughts, because when my internship basically requires me to sit in front of the computer and take notes on a four-hour radio show (for now), i have a lot of computer time. And so I have three things to touch base on:

1. I checked back on an e-mail I wrote to someone six months ago, but never sent. Usually my thoughts change and I have edits, but it so perfectly summarizes how i felt, and how i still feel, and despite this, i still don't feel compelled to send it. I don't think I ever will be. It's just going to sit there... and remind me that i'm smart. and pretty.

2. slow motion really really really REALLY sucks (but, it's probably an excellent thing). This is applicable to two things in my life right now. one, i care not to discuss. the other is the twelve step process of feelings you go through to get over a terrible experience. Regarding one thing, I have just entered into anger. I wish bad feelings and experiences on someone. Then reason that what I'm wishing probably isn't far off from their current experience (and also evidence that when i wish bad things, they really aren't all that bad). Then I blow off any kind of thought I gave to the matter at all. Make sense? no? Oh... well, I won't go into the details on that, either, but just know that I'm hoping 'indifference' isn't too horribly far off, because i'd rather waste not one calorie on this than one or two in the 20 seconds I spend damning their existence.

3. I haven't heard a "your mama's so fat" joke in AGES, and i stumbled upon one this afternoon that sent me in to laughing hysterics. Warning: It's only funny if you are at all familiar with Harry Potter:

"You're Mama's So Fat, The sorting hat sorted her into the House of Pancakes."

To that, I bid you adieu to go spend some qt with a giant table of friends at a local jazz club. I hope you're laughing. I still am.

back in the saddle....

2011-01-20T01:57:00.001-07:00

handsome boy modeling school in the house. with an itchy throat from the shaved neck patch where they inserted a catheter at the kitty spital. he's pleased as punch to have lost a pound and type 1 diabetes. hooray for maybird ferguson!

maybird

2011-01-16T02:04:00.004-07:00

my sweet little man of the house is in the hospital. maynard had a few seizures tonight, then went into a catatonic state. i wrapped him tightly in a towel and held him like a baby, all while feeling like a terrified little girl. my best girl came over and scooped him up so i could drive him to the emergency room. he was immediately hospitalized and placed on two ivs and oxygen, and is back on a little vet table until tomorrow evening or 7:30am on MLK day (let's hope the former). I love my little bug. it does make me wonder how the hell parents handle this with children...

'oh, i planned on having kids, but then i had this really scary night once with my cat...'

1-2-3

2011-01-11T02:31:00.004-07:00

Last night, Denver blew around about 12-18 inches of snow.

Lucky for me, I had a solid companion with whom to charge through the weather. While the evening out with friends, new and old, was wonderful, my favorite part of the evening came after stepping into his home, shivering cold. I found a blanket and curled into a ball on the couch, then watched as my company covered me with his jacket and then tucked me into a thick, down comforter. Not 20 minutes later, I was presented two homemade egg and cheese sandwiches to round out the night. Maybe i'm just easy to please, but the little things sure do go a long way... :)

Best Week Ever?

2011-01-07T00:06:00.004-07:00

So far, anyway. I love no school - leaves all that time for friends and fun. Top. Notch. Week, and it's not even finished...

Monday...Flew home Monday Evening (taken to the airport by mom and maddie). When I got home, picked up Pho and went straight to Agent Irene Baigent's for some catch-up and planning of a trip to Tennessee.

Tuesday... seriously cleaned house, then headed to Miss Marcia's with Baigent for home-cooked cornish hen, baked squash and safron rice with apples. And, really goood wine, prosecco and truffles. Just the perfect warm-up to spend some quality time with mr. sweetheart.

Wednesday... got pie. acupuncture. groceries. had a last-minute scheduling of a great friend from michigan come stay with me for the night...

Thursday... woke up and walked with my michigan friend for biscuits and two mimosa's. Stocked up on postcards, completed my 1,000 mile walking mission for my 28th year, then headed to a girlfriend's house for vegan curry and a movie. She gave me one of the coolest christmas presents i've ever received, and gave me a preview of a hat she is making me. LOVE.

I love the chance to really connect and be reminded of how absolutely wonderful my friends are and how lucky I am to have them in my life. This weekend is also full of sun and smiles, and more time with the sweetheart. i am a happy, happy girl.

:)

2011-01-02T23:43:00.003-07:00

hooray for cute, considerate, sweetheart, hold-their-own, honest, open, tall nerds. that is all.

pocket vision board

2010-12-29T01:33:00.001-07:00

One of my aunts recently decided to pursue a career in creativity coaching. Wise, because she has always been the center of motivation and support.

Through my childhood, she worked at a flower shop while running a gift basket company with my mom. As her kids and i entered middle school, her yellow house (complete with white picket fence) quickly became the epicenter for teenagers who ran in our respective circles. The basement constantly boomed with alternative rock band practice and my aunt made several trips a week to the store to replenish the refrigerator with soda and the candy box with sugary sweets. Even when she was diagnosed with lukemia in 1996, she opted for at-home chemotherapy and still managed to take care of everyone who charged through her home.

In 2001 she divorced her husband, andleft nearly all of her belongings except those which fit into her tiny 10x10 foot room and started fresh, withjust $3.52 in her bank account. She nowlives in a black hills castle with leopard print carpet in her bedroom, an upstairs studio stocked with art supplies and a newly-built garage with her very own welding workshop. She has created a successful company where she sells her one of a kind lanterns made from raw hyde and sticks and devotes most of her time to her two grandsons. She is proof that if you follow your gut and dream big, you end up happily where you knew you always belonged. Thank god she wants to share this gift as a mentor.

Today, she motivated me by pulling me up to her art studio for some tea and the beginnings of a pocket visual board. This starts with a beautiful piece of oragami made from thick card stock that expands grandly onto a table, but on the go, folds neatly into a 2x2" square. All of this is tied neatly into a pretty ribbon, of course.

We spent the afternoon pulling inspired pieces from magazine to help piece together those things we wish to manifest and achieve in 2011. Add in some watercolor, words of wisdom and positive thinking and you have a recipe for sucess that folds neatly into your pocket.

Given all the things Ive pulled today, and where I intend to go with this board, 2011 is sure to be one for the books. Like my aunt, I encourage you to do some manifesting of your own. 2010 has been tough. Wish it well on its way out and make room for the accomplishments you wish to see flourish in the.coming year.

pleasssseeee dont come back and bite me in the butt...

2010-12-27T00:48:00.001-07:00

i finally wrote a letter to my landlord about the noisy neighbors. i figure if it invades my dreams and causes me to passive aggressively slam cupboards and stomp around angrily just to make excessive 'yell back' noise as a punishment to the neighbors, i should probably ask her help. after all, ive made efforts to fix the situation (terrible backfire) and i love my place. i.e. i dont want to move... (yet).

sooo you know, i guess if it goes terribly or there is no solution, i satisfy my deal ive made to myself to stick it out through grad school and then leave. but hell, if it can be better now, why not? i just want to live in a quiet, sound-proof cloud. why is that so impossible!? im not even AT home and im annoyed. haha

on a lighter note... getting up at 7:30 tmrw to drive mom to work, then head off to the badlands with maddi. also... my favorite uncle was apparently a roadie for aerosmith a few nights during the beginning of their career and was at woodstock, citing, "the people who say 'i remember woodstock' are lieing through their teeth. i dont remember shit, 'cept mud up to HERE (knees).'" god love the man.

christmas

2010-12-25T22:55:00.002-07:00

this year, count 56 relatives in attendance at our yearly christmas gathering at my grandparents house.

sitting at the dining room table, i started taking note that everyone in my age group is married, in a serious relationship, or like emma jemma, newly engaged (so awesome, btw). me, however? not. and i'm fine with that. however, later in the evening we did our mass $10 gift exchange and out of the fifty six presents on the table, i picked a bag containing two books:

do you know your bride?
do you know your groom?

i paused, then asked the room, "is this a hint?"

someone chimed in... "well, do you know him?"

".....*crickets*...."

not awkward at all! lucky for me, i got to trade for a homemade knitted cap and a pallette of 32 eyeshadows. i feel these contribute to finding a nice man, or just keeping my head warm and eyes pretty while skiing :)

Eclipse

2010-12-21T01:07:00.001-07:00

GBQ. I stood in the yard and stared into the moon until it turned orange, right through a small opening through the trees. I wished for three things. Did you?