An Unexpected Blow to the Gut

After an entire onion and peppers. mmmm.. who wants a smooch?

sort of a good analogy for my day though... foul smelling, yet sweet?

I can say in the entire 20 years that i've not had the opportunity to fratrinize with my father, i've never actually had someone come up to me and talk about him directly.

If anyone outside of my family circle wonders why it's so impossibly difficult for me to let you love me or break down my giant road blocks, here's a little help (and for those of you that always stick around no matter what - you're the best ones, and i love you to the bottom of my toes).

I went through that whole heartbreak/hurt thing at an extremely young age. Twice.

One: Our phone line at the house I grew up in used to cut in and out during conversations - a routine a currence, and nothing to worry about. I remember one time, when I was 4 or 5 it cut out while I was talking to my dad and I cried an entire river into the kitchen. Granted, I cry a lot, but I thought since the phone cut out - it meant he was gone forever, too.

Two: At 9, I was clued into the actual person he is and it sickened me that I spent so much heart, hope and unconditional love on such a horrible individual. I tend to get blindsided most of the time and once trauma hits, it seems that worst case scenario seems inevitable.

Matter of factly, for any of you that know me, it makes all of my relationship choices over the last four years pretty clear as sunshine - and today sort of made it a little more clear to me, as well.

It seems the older I get, the more I learn about this... and it's never really great information. I never talk about it because i don't really feel like it's my story to tell.. i was just a spectator. But I'm sure if I called Loveline, Dr. Drew would be all up on the "how's the relationship with your father" bullshit.

Albiet things have turned out in the best way possible. I have the strongest family unit, the best step dad and great opportunities because my family (firstly, my mom, my brother and every single one of her 6 sisters, 2 brothers, grandparents, cousins) has shaped me into who i am.

Living in Rapid, I get "Oh you're a Lien. Who's daughter are you? are you a Sister?" alllllllll the time. All the time. And I welcome it openly, because my family rocks, and anyone who knows them is well aware of this.

But today, I had someone ask me if I was my father's daughter.

What....?

"Uh. Yeah."
"You remind me a lot of him."
I'm not one to skip over and avoid an akward subject - so I put my best 5-year-old tendancies to work and asked, "How?"
"Oh, you just do.."

That's like saying "i have really big news!" and then not disclosing the fucking daily.

"Ok..."

Granted, this guy had no idea. Apprently they went to high school together... my dad was some hot shot track star... Great runner - hated the meets and stuff ("Just because i'm good doesn't mean i like it" ideology).

My curiosity was peaked... I didn't know anything about him - and some total stranger walked in and started telling me about someone who was probably a cool guy before he dropped into my mom's life.

He asked me if I still knew where he worked (as any logical human being would asked). I said no (lie).

"Yeah, i really only see him once every few years or so," this man replied.

"Well...," I paused... "If you see him, tell him I said hi. (no, wait. lie)."
"Oh, do you not see him very often?"
"No, not since I was about 4."
"That's too bad."
"Not really..."

Insert foot in mouth (not a lie, but still should not have been said).

He stood there for a second and I could see the wheels turning - thinking he should probably not have said anything, trying to sum up of what the last 20 years could have possibly consisted... He stared at me for about 30 dead-silent seconds and then without saying anything, just walked out of the room.

I half wondered if I should have just avoided the topic completely, or held onto this unbiased individual a few more minutes to gather some more information. But to tell you the truth, I'm still wondering how I remind a total stranger of someone I don't even know. Seeing as how he has no idea who I am, and that I look just like my mom... I have to imagine it's some bizarre surface mannerism... but it never answered my question.

I've already made my decision on whether or not i'm interested in some sort of relationship with said father... but that curiosity still sits deep in my gut... and I have this itching feelin he's going to come round in the next five years or so...


**sorry if i made anyone uncomfortable. had to get that out, cause it's been racking my brain alll damn day.