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the words just flow when anger drives the wheel

Wednesday, June 14, 2006
my eyeballs rolling backward
the fire begins to burn
i'm so fucking sick of trusting
in this love; i've yet to learn

I've had the heart and full support
that all will be alright
but my frustrations you belittle,
then cause a needless fight.

how weak each word keeps spilling
so loosely out your mouth
the truth keeps spinning upward
but your fears just push it south

you've been years in practice
elders' shown you it's okay
to say one thing, then do another
those clueless always stayed.

who's worse for sticking with this?
i can't begin to see
is it you for never learning?
or should blame be placed on me?

i've worked so hard to keep this going
forgiven all your flaws
i'm not perfect either
but you're breaking all my laws

the ones i said i'd never settle
the ones i'd never do.
i sacrificed all of my 'wants'
and wound up needing you

Now i've been tricked a thousand times
and i always blindly lead
myself right back into your arms
for hopes you will succeed

that easy task called follow through?
i see it every day
i can teach your dog to sit
but you won't learn from your mistakes

now that i'm so far away
the ease of seeing what you are
has revealed itself just like the smoke
that floats from my cigar

i wish you were an actor
because you can hold a crowd
with your words so ill-expressed
they're empty, but they're loud.

a mirror has two faces
but i've seen you wear three
one that's evil, one that's "east"
and one where you love me.

the last one is the most sincere
and truley who you are
your boistrous words from 1 and 2
won't leave me with a scar

because all those lies that hold you back
are only scarring you
and if you cannot quit this war
i won't be standing next to you.

i can't believe you'd really think
we'd 'grow out' of this someday
i refuse to sit here miserable
until this all just 'goes away'

your logic is beyond absurd
be accountable, stand true
cut all the crap you're feeding me
and also feeding you.

aren't you stuffed sick on all the words
like tabloids make believe?
you may think that you are so complex
but you wear everything upheaved.

all i want is 50/50
now it's 90/10
instead of bitter anger
damn it, give me faith again.

An Unexpected Blow to the Gut

Monday, June 12, 2006
After an entire onion and peppers. mmmm.. who wants a smooch?

sort of a good analogy for my day though... foul smelling, yet sweet?

I can say in the entire 20 years that i've not had the opportunity to fratrinize with my father, i've never actually had someone come up to me and talk about him directly.

If anyone outside of my family circle wonders why it's so impossibly difficult for me to let you love me or break down my giant road blocks, here's a little help (and for those of you that always stick around no matter what - you're the best ones, and i love you to the bottom of my toes).

I went through that whole heartbreak/hurt thing at an extremely young age. Twice.

One: Our phone line at the house I grew up in used to cut in and out during conversations - a routine a currence, and nothing to worry about. I remember one time, when I was 4 or 5 it cut out while I was talking to my dad and I cried an entire river into the kitchen. Granted, I cry a lot, but I thought since the phone cut out - it meant he was gone forever, too.

Two: At 9, I was clued into the actual person he is and it sickened me that I spent so much heart, hope and unconditional love on such a horrible individual. I tend to get blindsided most of the time and once trauma hits, it seems that worst case scenario seems inevitable.

Matter of factly, for any of you that know me, it makes all of my relationship choices over the last four years pretty clear as sunshine - and today sort of made it a little more clear to me, as well.

It seems the older I get, the more I learn about this... and it's never really great information. I never talk about it because i don't really feel like it's my story to tell.. i was just a spectator. But I'm sure if I called Loveline, Dr. Drew would be all up on the "how's the relationship with your father" bullshit.

Albiet things have turned out in the best way possible. I have the strongest family unit, the best step dad and great opportunities because my family (firstly, my mom, my brother and every single one of her 6 sisters, 2 brothers, grandparents, cousins) has shaped me into who i am.

Living in Rapid, I get "Oh you're a Lien. Who's daughter are you? are you a Sister?" alllllllll the time. All the time. And I welcome it openly, because my family rocks, and anyone who knows them is well aware of this.

But today, I had someone ask me if I was my father's daughter.


"Uh. Yeah."
"You remind me a lot of him."
I'm not one to skip over and avoid an akward subject - so I put my best 5-year-old tendancies to work and asked, "How?"
"Oh, you just do.."

That's like saying "i have really big news!" and then not disclosing the fucking daily.


Granted, this guy had no idea. Apprently they went to high school together... my dad was some hot shot track star... Great runner - hated the meets and stuff ("Just because i'm good doesn't mean i like it" ideology).

My curiosity was peaked... I didn't know anything about him - and some total stranger walked in and started telling me about someone who was probably a cool guy before he dropped into my mom's life.

He asked me if I still knew where he worked (as any logical human being would asked). I said no (lie).

"Yeah, i really only see him once every few years or so," this man replied.

"Well...," I paused... "If you see him, tell him I said hi. (no, wait. lie)."
"Oh, do you not see him very often?"
"No, not since I was about 4."
"That's too bad."
"Not really..."

Insert foot in mouth (not a lie, but still should not have been said).

He stood there for a second and I could see the wheels turning - thinking he should probably not have said anything, trying to sum up of what the last 20 years could have possibly consisted... He stared at me for about 30 dead-silent seconds and then without saying anything, just walked out of the room.

I half wondered if I should have just avoided the topic completely, or held onto this unbiased individual a few more minutes to gather some more information. But to tell you the truth, I'm still wondering how I remind a total stranger of someone I don't even know. Seeing as how he has no idea who I am, and that I look just like my mom... I have to imagine it's some bizarre surface mannerism... but it never answered my question.

I've already made my decision on whether or not i'm interested in some sort of relationship with said father... but that curiosity still sits deep in my gut... and I have this itching feelin he's going to come round in the next five years or so...

**sorry if i made anyone uncomfortable. had to get that out, cause it's been racking my brain alll damn day.

About me

I'm Sami Jo From Denver, CO, United States Samantha loves to travel, lose herself in a good book, practice yoga at her favorite local studio, The Yoga Mat, and connect with friends, old and new. Her love of working with creative minds extends into her personal endeavors, as well. She and her husband conduct a project called "Songs For Jake," a music collaboration channel designed with the simple mission of getting great songs to one really big music lover. Through her business, Roger Charlie, Samantha focuses on publicity and management, working closely with authors, musicians, and creatives who find value in a more personal approach through communications.
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