tricky tricky...

pride or humility. which do you pick?

when is pride self respect and when does humility arrive at the right time to not compromise your good-willingness and sanity? old habits die hard on both ends and so one must wonder if there is ever a 'right' choice.

is life too short to (a) invite a person back or (b) let time continue to pass with no words or action? i can't decide.

maybe there's middle ground. something called grace. an open heart that accepts genuine intent and a little bit of a steel gate when your gut signals danger and protection is the only answer. sounds fair enough, but getting there is no cake walk. it's easier to swing back and forth between black and white. pride and humility.

which do you pick most often? what makes you feel safe enough to step past pride into grace and courage to address something that's gone wrong? or for that matter, not address it except with silence, patience and hope that the other person will blink first? how do you do it...?

don't do it.

at 11:30 this evening, i filled a jet tub with rosemary, witch hazel, rain bath and epsom salt. as the jets ran, the bubbles grew above the rim of the tub, and all of my body was buried save my head. the point here is... if you have a tub with whirlpool jets... good on you. if you don't.... do not indulge. you will be ruined for life.

honestly, how i am supposed to bathe in a regular bath tub ever again...?

i think it's time...

to open my bottle of colonial rum...

rum save the queen.

The day.

Wake up with a Charlie horse in my back.
Sit next to my abusive ex boyfriend's mother at the hair salon for two hours.
Walk with a friend and her cutie, smiling baby girl.
Study and understand economics.
Pound some soup, a Cuban seitan sandwich, sweet potatoes, a banana chocolate shake and a Halloween sugar cookie.
Take two-hour glorious nap because neighbors are gone and her mother is much quieter (halleluyah).
Study law.
Get invited on dinner date at favorite restaurant.
Hula hoop in living room.
Lay back to butt with Maynard ferguson.
Massage giant rubber band knot in shoulder. Fucccck.
Get up and do it all again tomorrow.

I really am considering changing mammal characterization to bear to eat a glorious feast, snuggle up with a grizzly-bearded man and sleep for three months. Best diet ever? I suppose this also means I can forgo shaving. Mwa haha

*sigh*

to quote oakley "what? what an asshole. he so cool"

stars

I am up in the mountains outside of a very sleepy town. My patio overlooks national forest land and a fire is burning just beside my view. I swear I can see thousands of stars from my bed and it throws me back to a happy time of three-hour drives and ending up under a freight train and you pretending that you're cold so you can throw your arms around me. I had forgotten that until just now... Kind of wish I hadn't been reminded in such solitude. I miss this.

nine hours later

i actually have some work to show for my suffering... and am now officially free to head up to vail tomorrow for the evening for some fall and fireplace and bath and hike and fooooooooood. and sleep: un-interupted.

so, while doing homework, i have been creating a playlist which kind of turned into a memory path. i used to sit and watch music videos for HOURS in high school (when MTV2 still played them). Re: this list - listening to one inspired listening of the next, and i have a bizarre path here... but looking to add to it. if you have any desires that spawn from listening to any of these, add your $.02. This is a short one, because i finished up my assignment, and thus ended up nine-hour sit-in at the coffee shop.

this all goes perfectly with all of the director series dvds i just ordered...

jeez, sami. music much?

Economics study playlist - this went down a bit of a 90s route. (click title for video)

The Doves - There Goes the Fear

Blur - Boys and Girls

Cake - Love You Madly

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch

Juliana Hatfiled - Don't Rush me

Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be

Beastie Boys (featuring Fat Boy Slim) - Body Movin'

Bjork - I miss you

Blur - Coffee and TV

Spacehog - Mungo City**** Favorite. I used to have this poster in my bedroom. Mirror with black print. Totally bitchin'.

White Stripes - Truth doesn't make a noise

Bonus Track:

White Stripes - Jolene (well, because I am Jolene.)

Just to give you a clear perspective...

on how important sleep is in making me a well-rounded, polite, very kind person, here's a little foray into how I am at 5:32am when I am not allowed the opportunity to do so.

I have had a migraine all night. Finally lessoned the blow around 1am, about one hour after my downstairs neighbors decided to turn in on the packing for the night.

At 4am, I woke up on the couch in confusion and promptly decided it was time to move into the bedroom. But not for sleep. Apparently 4am is the perfect time to start packing up a moving truck with the eight or so people you've invited over to help, and then to laugh at top notch volume in that group of eight right outside of my bedroom.

I opened my porch door and curled up in a ball to listen out the door as I tried to gage just what was going on. I can't tell if just the guy is going back to the military. If the wife is going with him somewhere. If her family is taking over habitation downstairs. If they are all running some bizarre cult where they march around the house speaking at the top of their lungs and all god damn hours of the day. One thing I know is that I am not sleeping and I am NOT happy about it.

And what makes me even more unhappy is that i love my apartment. so much. i so don't want to move... :(

damngina.

lissie canceled because of a callus on her vocal chord. I supppooooose if i can either dance to her tonight, or have her heal up so she can create more albums down the road, i'll pick the latter, but... this is a bummer, man! that's a... that's a bummer.

instead, my girls and i drew dinosaurs in the girl's bathroom, had a black keys dance party on larimer and closed out the night with cheap burgers and beer. i really do have the most high-quality girlfriends. :)

soooooo, in lew of all these things and after sleeping until one in the afternoon (dear, god...really?) i've been singing worried about on repeat (because it's been my anthem in an attempt to heal my heart this year) and also, soaking up some interesting videos recommended by my anthropologist friend on media and gender. If these kinds of things interest you, well then here are two from the video pile:

Killing Us Softly (this is part 1 of 4. You'll be directed to the succeeding parts at the end of each video)

Dreamworlds 3

good week.

lots of connecting, fostering. lots of affirmation that im heading in the right direction. surrounded by good people. i hate to be all me, me, me, but this all feels right on, right on.

one week to a king suite in fall-filled aspen (complete with hiking and a fireplace) and two weeks til i take flight to spend four whole days with my very most favorite person.

life continues to be good. saturn return doesnt mess around, but all this change is working in my favor... :)

game on.

no, i've changed my mind. i'm not going down without a fight. econ - you're getting owned. watch out.

James Franco...

i caught this interview on boulder's npr this morning and while he is hella interesting, he says "umm" every 10 seconds. Not only that, but he seems to influence his interviewer to do the same.

Listen to it. I dare you not to be annoyed.

to withdraw or not withdraw?

that's a very good question.

im considering withdrawing from my economics class on the grounds that:

my professor and i simply do not click (ill leave it at that)
many other students ive spoken with express no need for calculus, just an awareness that it exists in managerial econimics

uhh... i may be better suited doing this offline.

i could still graduate when i want to, however, i forfeit the tuition that went toward the three credits (bummer, man).

im considering getting through one more test. if it goes well, ill probably tough it out. if not, then i guess ill have no qualms getting the hell out of there...

i envision how much more wonderful this semester would be without it, but then spring may end up being a bit much... (sports/entertainment finance, financial management and econ? aaaaaaaah!).

i guess we'll see... blerg.

cook sleep

it has been a very domestic day.

made pumpkin waffles (courtesy shutterbean) with cinnamon sugar butter for breakfast.

slept all afternoon (after watching one week. i recommend).

tonight, turkey chili with gluten free cornbread while snuggling onto the couch to watch The Discovery Channels LIFE marathon.

happy fall is here much? you got it.

Not sure how to explain this exactly...

But a friend and I have been really 'off' for the entirety of the last several weeks. Every time we have gotten together, it just seems like we're in completely different parts of a book, where we're usually, effortlessly floating along at the same pace. Usually, this is the part where I throw my hands up and walk away because sometimes you just need a break.

Instead, after another completely off-putting conversation, I blurted out, "We're not very in sync lately... at all."

And they agreed. And then we moved on and everything was fine. Hahaha

I'm not sure why this struck me as strange, but I guess it gave me a sense for what it might be like to be in a marriage or serious relationship with someone. And forgive me for not getting this sooner, but I've dated only the following:

1. self-proclaimed rockstars who never considered me at all - only when it was convenient, and only amongst several other girls.

2. one manipulative, abusive mother effer who also was guilty of being too self-indulgent and immature to deal with any issue except with some mean words, yelling and breaking/hitting things...

So, that revelation is a big one, because it is a relief to know that even tho things aren't always on, if someone really does love you, they'll stick with you anyway. Those good ones are not going to just disappear on you... which i've always grasped with family, but have struggled with that security among friends. This may be the one key thing I needed to learn before i make a go at another relationship...

Which is wonderful, because i have my eye on someone. a good someone. and i think they may have their eye on me, too...