Attitude Adjustment

I have just been in the bowels of awful. Hey, you add high work stress + physical pain + emotional pain + little-to-no sleep and you get a girl that is on edge 93% of the time.

Generally, I can manage all of this with the long walks and yoga; epsom salt baths and the occasional beer. But I swear for the last six weeks or so (they have felt more like six months), I just haven't been able to find the one ray of hope in the giant pile of crap that has been eluding my life.

Then, two Tuesdays ago, that gasket that's been waiting to explode finally blew. It's a natural wonder, the gasket of a woman (yeah, i heard it). Word vomit comes spewing forth through the short breaths of a panic attack. They eyes redden and swell from an overflow of tears. All your brain can conclude is, "Life is horrible. It has continued to be horrible. It is not going to get better. I've tried to put a positive spin on every last angle of every horrible situation -  and things keep going in the shitter. I HAVE NO ANSWERS! I HAVE NO FAITH!"

I finally got some sleep and thus, became a slightly saner human-being. And you know what? I didn't feel ridiculous or dramatic about how I have felt. All of this was warranted. It has been a rough fucking time lately.  And it almost seems more rough when you are constantly working your hardest not to let your strife leak out and convolute the moods of everyone around you. In the process of doing so,  you find out that it is true that you can develop new habits every 40 days (ahh, the explanation of lent). Your new habit has become not a routine, but more of an internalized persona - Negative Nancy.


She's an imaginary friend that no one ever really sees. Instead - she sets up shop in my mind and makes sure to point out anything that can push me closer to the edge. She has had me seeing the bad in everything. Negative this, negative that. The smallest things grate on my every nerve - the world starts to feel like it is set out specifically to ruin my day/week/month and all of the people in it are purposely trying to annoy me. Not so much, "I'l stop and cry and feel like a victim," but more, "I am now on autopilot, minutes from getting sick and just waiting for the next horrible thing to come my way. Chew your gum in my ear. Breath with your mouth open. Hold your pen the wrong way!!!!!! I DARE YOU!"

(side note: that whole 'misery loves company' is a total farce. misery loves hermitville. you know why? because no one is there to annoy you.)


Negative Nancy says: "If my parade is cloudy, then I will RAIN ON EVERYONE ELSE'S! Bahahahahahahaa."

And I know this. I know she's here. And I am on the attack and working on getting her the hell out of my area.  I also don't want to be dis-genuine and bitter, and smiling through my teeth just to try and keep up some facade when I'm mad at the world. So, the next 40 days is going to be dedicated to kicking Nancy to the curb and bringing back Grace. This is no easy feat. I'm on day 3. I think I can do this... well, I'm 49% sure. But all I need is 51%. I've been told as long as you have more than majority, you're winning. Come onnnnnnnnn, Grace.