<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d5015162370075776699\x26blogName\x3dSamish\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dSILVER\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://seesamwrite.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://seesamwrite.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d-1861527690466832881', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>

Author C.R. Richards 2017 Holiday Tour!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Author C.R. Richards is in the holiday spirit, and giving away some incredible gifts this month to help celebrate the release of the second book in her Heart of the Warrior series!

The giveaway includes:
Clue Firefly
A Stash Tea Gift Set
Ghirardelli Chocolate
Amazon Gift Card
A Snuggly Stuffed Lion
Signed Copies of Both Books in the Heart of the Warrior Series

As an additional giveaway, the author will also be gifting one lucky winner a signed copy of both books in the series! All you have to do is comment on this blog post below with your favorite Holiday movie to enter.

Meet C.R. Richards

  A huge lover of horror and dark fantasy stories,
C. R. Richards enjoys telling tales of intrigue and adventure. Having began writing as a part-time columnist for a small entertainment newspaper, Richards has worn several hats: food critic, entertainment reviewer and cranky editor. She has now published a handful of novels, including Phantom Harvest - book one in The Mutant Casebook Series - which took home the EPIC eBook Award for Fantasy in 2014.  Richards beat out entries from the U.S., Canada, United Kingdom, Australia and other English speaking countries. 

The youngest of five army brats, Richards was born on a military base in Utah.  She spent much of her childhood in the back of her family’s sky blue station wagon on trips to see her grandmother - who would show her how to spot faeries in the backyard.  Sometimes she’d put candy in small silk slippers and tell us the pixies had done it,” says Richards. “She’s the one who gave me my love of fantasy creatures.”

Her most recent literary projects include the horror short story, Lost Man's Parish and the newly-released dark fantasy thriller, Pariah. She is an active member of Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers and Horror Writers Association.

In November, Richards releases her epic dark fantasy novel The Obsidian Gates, the second installment in the Heart of the Warrior series. Through her storytelling, Richards aims to reach lovers of fantasy who are exploring alternatives to the traditional status quo. Her message is simple: One person can be a catalyst for change.

Connect with the Author Online
Website: http://crrichards.com
Facebook: /authorcrrichards
Twitter: @CR_Richards
Instagram: @authorcrrichards


a Rafflecopter giveaway


Angry angry angry

Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I was just laying here making notes on things I wanted to talk with my therapist about tomorrow.  Because I can't just see what pops up - things must always be productive. But hell, if I'm paying money to bring shit up that really upsets me in a effort to get down to the bottom of why I'm such a freak show, I figure I better go into things with some sort of game plan.

Anyway - where was I?

Oh yes - angry. 

There's been a reoccurring theme over the last few weeks, and a solid handful of people challenging me in it. I know sometimes I direct things into those obstacles, mostly because that's just how I process things for the sake of learning by experience.

Each of these things is making me aware of how often I feel like I'm not being heard. Life is all about communication and I've always been blundt to a fault - it's humorous, really. I think it's always been out of necessity, but the truth is I will beat myself up immediately after I say how I feel because I'm terrified I have upset the person I said it to - even though I am generally fair and kind about how the words are delivered.

But I've been getting better at being more direct and letting people know where I stand up front in a effort to derail from the Shame wagon and just be honest and clear about what I need, where I'm at, what boundaries I may require in a situation.

And let's be honest here - putting yourself out there like that is scary when you are rewiring the old ways you've been doing things for 30+ years. But I am trying - and you win some, you lose some. But now the losses don't hurt as bad.

What surprises me though is in all this work, how much people don't hear me, which makes me wonder - what's the point anyway? This is god damn fucking frustrating because I am saying EXACTLY what I mean, very clearly. So when you don't seem to hear my the first time, I'll be patient. And the second, still patient (a little less). And the third... Fourth... Ok, five times?  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!???

And then my dad genes kick in and I want to slap you around. Does that make me feel good? No, by apparently it exists in me that you're going to understand what the hell I am saying if I make a big, mean, scary scene about it.

And then we both feel bad.

(No one has been slapped, I promise). 😉

But something has to change. I don't know if this is more of the "things get worse before they are better" shit, but I don't like it. It's ugly, it's dark, and it's stayed hidden for a really long time. How is it all going to go away? I'm just going to scare and alienate enough people to completely ruin all of our lives, and then I can forever lay in bed alone feeling even more depressed than I have felt over the last few months? 

I have never felt so low. I've never felt so down on myself. And you know what makes it worse this time? I feel that everyone can see it. 

What a sad, miserable fuck I am. But that's ok. I can say that here, because no one hears me anyway.


A deep, deep dive into 2015 (so far)

Tuesday, November 17, 2015
I have always easily taken on the feelings and moods of others. Not that they've ever defined me, but I just absorb everything like a sponge. 

I think part of it is that it's just how I'm made - which has served me so far. No major slip ups, no catastrophes. It's how I came into the world, how I've been conditioned, and how I've functioned to survive. The other part? I think it is my challenge in this life.
In an effort to shake things up a bit, I committed to reckless abandon this year (#2015RecklessAbandon). I thought for me it'd mean throwing up a huge middle finger and saying "fuck you" to control and any old habits or negative things in my life that have cornered me in a rut. I wanted to set fire to the world through careless fun and free. I quit my job (not really fun, scary), I started my own company (also scary). I bought a house with my husband and fully remodeled it (fun, but also scary and stressful). 

But you know what I wasn't expecting? To practice this commitment in such close proximity to everything I know about myself as a person. So fearlessly accept that I had nothing to lose, which must also play a part in why I decided to head into therapy in early February to deal with a lot of really old, scary issues. #1 being shame.

Shame is defined as the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous done by oneself. It's an extremely painful feeling about how we appear to others (and ourselves) and doesn't really depend on any one particular thing at all. Just existing, really. 

I'm sure you can blame it on Catholic upbringing, but I had always defined shame as guilt. Who knew - THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL.  Did you know this? This was life-changing. 

Apparently, rather than feeling like a constant disappointment for who you are (shame), guilt is actually valid because the feeling is in regard to an offense, crime or wrongdoing, whether real or imagined. 

How had I always mistaken the two, melded them into one and then made shame the master of all emotions? So many times I've taken responsibility for situations that aren't mine. I've carried sadness and anger on the behalf of others. And you know what? There have been a LOT of times when I nearly got there - and a LOT of people that have latched on to me and let me do that for them.

I always knew in the back of my mind it wasn't possible, but deep, deep down, I always thought, "Hey, Sami, if you can prove one time that this can happen, then everything will be perfect in everyone's world, and everyone will love you, and you will be acceptable, and thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever and ever!"


Enter the shame cycle. 

Ahh... an explanation for it all! My therapist worked to get me off the merry-go-round. And I'd get there, but not until I was just about to go right back on again.

"So, I'm not really stepping out of the cycle, am I?," I asked.
"Yes, you are - because you're realizing it," she reaffirmed.
"Except that if you get off at the end of the cycle, only to jump back on right away, then what's the point? I'm not getting better." I argued.

I needed tangible results. I needed her to just tell me what to do, and I would do it. (spoiler alert: that's not how real life self-improvement works).  I wanted everything in a nice, neat little report so I could go back to my to do list and say "check!" and then excitedly move on to the next thing. But none of this made sense to me. AT ALL. So I just felt lost and stupid and frustrated and confused and stuck.

We were at an impasse, so I brought in my husband for a third-person perspective. If you're ever in therapy and struggling, I highly recommend it. It's hugely helpful, and completely heart-opening. 

It's also really scary, because wow, are you putting yourself out there. I sat there looking straight at the ceiling, embarrassed of what words may be coming, but desperately hopeful that whatever they were would help push me in a good direction. 

So I listened to my husband expound on his observations and feelings about the matter. And I cried and cried.  It hurts incredibly to feel one way and anticipate how you'll act when you see someone you love in your head so clearly, only to be stifled by shame and have things go completely opposite of your intended plan. My actions would cause confusion and hurt,  and then I would hurt for not being able to just honestly express how I felt - which is funny, because up until this year, I had always thought I was so blunt and honest and true to who I am. Everyone had told me this, too, so how could it not be true? To dig to the bottom of the barrel and realize that it was all being so horribly masked by shame absolutely killed me. 

I knew to the chosen few who I am closest, my shame would occasionally leak out in plain sight, but I didn't really understand how it looked until I heard my best friend and most trusted companion explain it to someone I trusted with all of my hugest fears and insecurities.  I thought I was fooling everyone and maintaining status quo so that no one else would be the wiser. I thought if I just always jumped in and participated and helped and listened and tried to solve everyone's problems so they *seemingly* didn't have to, then I would be accepted and appreciated for what I could do for them. I could be loved and accepted.  

Ain't that a crock of shit? hahahaha. I am suggesting mind control. I wish I had so haphazardly felt that way in that appointment, but hindsight's 20/20, right?

I spent the month of May mostly in bed. It's important to note the difference between the things I fully intended to do versus how the month actually played out:

Things I wanted to do:
1. Drink heavily
2. Run Home
3. WRECKLESS abandon

Things I actually did:
1. Stayed sober.
2. Did a 30-day-yoga challenge
3. Did Couch to 5k
3. Cried a lot - for no reason at all.
4. Didn't give a fuck. 
5. Slept. A lot.
6. Somehow still managed to run my company - successfully.
7. Actually talked to a few people I love and trust about what I was going through.

As I write that all  down now, I'm kind of - Ok, really - impressed with myself. How is it possible I could appear to look so together on the outside when I felt like I had nine hundred tons of brick weighing me down?  #girlboss

I know, I know. Things get worse before they get better. So I accepted this as part of the process and had mentally decided it was alright to lay there depressed for as long as I needed to 'honor' my feelings.  Eventually things would start moving in an upward direction again. Nothing lasts forever.

But that shit dwindled. Until I found a way to distract myself with... HAWAII! And buying a house! And renovating a house! And guests or events every single weekend! Yay!

I am the pimp-daddy MASTER of distraction. "Uh... Imma just stay busy over here, alright?"

And it worked, until things finally slowed down four months later. In mid-October, I found my calendar clear of obligations and most of the details on the house done. I was mostly relieved, and not eager to jump into much of anything, but I didn't anticipate a full-on crash.

I realized I was completely depleted and exhausted and really angry about it. I hadn't been taking care of myself because everything had been going into the house, or my clients, or anywhere else that needed it that wasn't me. Not like it was anyones fault but my own, but I had never experienced such a rage about that before.

I lurked around the house in a depressed, angry funk just waiting to snap out of it, because as I mentioned before, "eventually things would start moving in an upward direction again. Nothing lasts forever."  I really thought if I just kept waking up every day with a mantra that I was going to have a positive attitude, and have a great day, things would totally start shaping out as such, and I could move on to appreciating all of the wonderful things I had achieved in 2015. 

Four weeks later, I hadn't gotten anywhere. I had been terrible to my spouse (and lucky for me, he loves me a lot and is really patient), and even after amping up the self-care - yoga, acupuncture, body talk, meditation, massage, nutrition, very long walks - I was still missing something.

I had remembered seeing a woman in Boulder three years ago for some energy/psychic work, and decided I would go back for a visit. I really appreciate this type of modality because we're all up in our heads too often, and I truly believe you have the answer in yourself the whole time. Your body always knows - it's with you in every experience, everywhere you go. Your mind may have forgotten, but your body will always remember. Effortlessly.

This time, the appointment was brutal. She sliced through the thick of things with a stinging knife and I was half shocked and half relieved about what she so naturally brought to my attention. Ninety minutes, some shifted energy and a lot of tears later, I left her office feeling a little destroyed, but hopeful that she had made a difference. 

It's all a very fascinating process, but the thing that stuck with me the most was one of her first statementsShe said when my soul came into the world, it anticipated all of the wonderful things it'd like to do here, and that my biggest challenge in this life is maintaining my calm in constant chaos.

And it made so. much. sense.  That is where I'm comfortable. I have always been the calm and maintained in so many storms; my dad, my mom's extended family, troubled friends, drama queens, crazy bosses, etc.  But each of these things is just a challenge to remind me of my soul's main objective. I'm so easily distracted by all of it and need to be 'on guard' to always handle it and stay strong for everyone else all of the time that I have never felt safe caring for my own needs. And how the heck am I supposed to even survive if I'm not even taking care of myself?

It so simple, it's embarrassing - but man, I struggle. I'm writing this all down because I know I'll need a reminder.

I also want to remember what great gratitude and accomplishment I have gained in this past year. Marrying my husband, leaving my job, going to therapy, creating a new sanctuary for us as a family - even among the mayhem. I have been devoting my time to escaping those chaotic situations and people that don't serve me to create a safe, strong place for myself. I have been supporting myself without really realizing it.

But I did. Just yesterday, in fact. And the real me, who has been missing since nearly January finally reappeared. It's nice to be back. 

Four Celebrity Couples that Got Me Over My Insecurity of Relationship Height Difference

Monday, June 24, 2013
Sounds stupid - but if you ever asked me about the thing I found most attractive about a man - it was his height.

Height always meant manliness. And feet hanging off the bed - a little bit of awkwardness and of course - tall babies.

Tall men also equaled small Sami. I'm still not sure when/where that notion got inserted into my brain, but somewhere along the lines, my psyche was convinced that tall men make women feel petite - and even if you're carrying a little extra junk in your trunk, a man's height somehow cancels that out.

Well - wouldn't you know it - life dealt me a hilarious card when it delivered an excellent match in someone just a sliver taller than myself. Turns out, great things do come in small packages.

So I've spent the entire last year google searching "How tall is ________ (insert celebrity name here)?" Why? Because I'm ridiculous.  As it would turn out, there are a lot of really tiny, good looking people running around in hollywood, making excellent livings and totally stealing the hearts of women everywhere.

And so very slowly, but surely - I've been getting over my bizarre, completely irrational height insecurity. I realize I sound complete shallow, but hey - it is what it is, and we're all human. I know it's all about the substance, and relationship and it all of that outside stuff doesn't matter - but it matters. :)

So, my very shallow self presents a very short list of celebrity couples that somehow eased my insecurity about height and helped get me to where I am now - happy.

1. Bing Crosby (5'7") and Rosemary Clooney (5'6")

No, they didn't date in real life, and yes, Bing Crosby was definitely rumored to be not such-a-nice-guy, but you know what cancels all of that out? White Christmas - the best Christmas movie ever made. You can't argue with that. It's a Hollywood Film fact.

2. Ryan Adams (5'8") and Mandy Moore (5'9")
This one is a little bit of a stretch because Mandy Moore is super-model gorgeous, and so I feel that  cancels out the whole height issue (plus the entire model marrying rockstar has just always made sense) - but I had to include it, because of Ryan's long dark hair, soulful lyrical abilities and genuine sweetness/affection between the two. Plus, the age difference is just about the same - and seriously - they look adorable together. I don't know them personally, but I get some weird, nerd-girl impression that there are similarities.

3. Meg Ryan (5'8") and Billy Crystal (5'7")
When Harry Met Sally has always been my all-time favorite movie. Best Friends fall in love. That's how it works - That's how it happened for me. They're not the all-stunning die-for couple, but everything they represent is right on point. I was just reminded of this one today and it had to go on the list. Mark this as a giant slap-in-the-face! How did I miss this?

4. Tina Fey (5'5") and Jeff Richmond (5'5")
Hello, Idol. Tina Fey is quite possibly the coolest female on the face of the planet. I would so so love the opportunity to work/shadow/intern for her in this lifetime.  To boot, she wears heels around her same-height hubby all the time, and look how happy? Yep... time to ditch the insecurity!


if wishes were fishes...

Friday, May 24, 2013
I wouldn't wish away all the obnoxious self esteem and body issues I have now, as an adult.

I would wish for a better dad that wouldn't have always made me feel never good/pretty/smart/etc. enough in my formative years so that no matter what the hell I looked like now, I'd be damn comfortable in my own skin.

All of the petty worrying about my weight, and constantly carrying around a steady poundage despite the very healthy lifestyle is irritating beyond belief. Guess who else cares about this but me? No one. So why do I even bother? Why not eat copious amounts of cookies and hot wings?

And why, no matter how many times I try, do I always just plateau at the same spot? Always. I feel like I'm carrying around a small child's worth of extra fat that no longer serves my body or life, and yet I can't put the damn child down.

How the hell do I put it down without:
1.constantly obsessing over every morsel of food that goes into my mouth and/or every calorie I expell from any aerobic action.
2. being heroicly detoured any time my body chooses to hold on to the slightest bit of salt/water (seriously...I have been known to gain 6lbs in one day... and not during 'that time of the month.'
3. losing a fun life; I.e. focusing on what I want to loose rather than what I'd like to gain.

I mean - it's simple, really. Eat less, move more (I already do this). Eat non-processed, healthy food (check). Get some Good sleep (well...... ok. It is 2:30am). Manage stress (hi, yoga 4-5x/week).

My boyfriend studied exercise science in school - which is funny because I try to drill him for helpful information and all I ever get is, "you're healthy. You look great. Youre doing everything right!" And, oh yeah, "so many things are predetermined by genes."

I fed him the entire contents of my fridge once, and he said, "well, its just not really in my make-up to be fat."

Oooh....how nice for you! So I just have to accept that this is my body and I can't make it smaller, ever? Really? Because while no, I am not a monstrous beast, yet an average woman, I just refuse to believe that I won't get to be 'better,' even if I really want to be.

I'm stumped as to why, like the millions of other things I figure out and master on a daily basis, I can't seem to conquer my own body.

Hell, if men have had the opportunity, I should, too.


Closure / Ego

Monday, May 20, 2013
One lesson in life that's hard to learn is that closure doesn't really exist.

It's just this magical word that people use when they would rather leave that last hook buried into the most hidden (and painful) part of the tie you've made with an individual. "OH... once I just get closure, I'll feel better and let this all go."

Ok, ego. Nice try.

Let's break this down:
After several failed attempts to seek finalization from a person (because after all you've been through with someone, you swear they owe you at least that), you spend days, weeks, months, maybe even years playing things over in your head, trying to understand what you could have done differently to change this outcome and feel better than you do in this terrible moment. - even after all the time has passed.  

You either store everything inside because you hold a person so dear to your heart you wouldn't dare sully their name to even your closest friend or you spend an ungodly amount of time analyzing and reanalyzing the situation with those around you - looking for some kind of answer to your dilema - some pivotal, life-changing words that should fall out of thin air and renew your faith in human beings.

But often times, you know what happens after all of this? Nothing. nothing.


There are no answers. There are no grand enlightenments. The person you had devoted all of this love and time to gives you nothing - i think for three main reasons (though i've never gotten to ask, so forgive me for assuming):

1. In bad cases, the person is unaware that they even made the slightest human error (it's human, thus forgivable, but how do you go about speaking about this when the person has no idea?).

2. To some, ignorance is bliss. Eventually, problems will just go away on their own. 

3. I really think, deep deep deep in my heart, that there are just some people that are crystal-clear on a bad situation, know things have slipped past the point of repair and just like me/you dealing with this internal struggle, rely on stubbornness and stick steadfast to the hope that I/you will be the one to come back around and put a big band-aid on everything. Why? Because I/you always stepped up in the past, so why not now? Well - there comes a point where you just decide it's more painful to keep reaching out, only to be rejected/ignored than to just stop trying all together.

Eventually, you drop your ego and accept that the only option is to let go, move on, and slowly you rebuild your life with new experiences, friends, etc.  Occasionally there is a twinge of anger/hurt that arises that you didn't know that was left - you choke on your pride and the uncomfortableness of the feeling and hope that this time, it only takes a fraction of the time as the first round.

I had something flare-up today, and so I guess that's why I'm up at 3:17 a.m. writing about this all.  I haven't written in a long time.  I am struggling - and surprisingly, not with a guy this time! ha. 

I can't think of how to package all of the frustrations/hurt into a nice little package, so I won't try because it would just be useless, ugly garbage that isn't productive to anyone (and wouldn't you know, I still love this person to hell and back). 

Maybe it's as simple as you just cycle out of someones life because you've learned all you can from each other - but I have to say I really thought this one was for life.  I thought by now, things would be okay. They're not. I have been guilty of buying back into closure and thinking there was still a shred of hope that there would be some kind of gesture (grand or small) that would just smooth everything over - but I think I just realized there's nothing coming.  How's that for dropping the ego and naivety? Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. 

As Lebowski says... "That's... that's a bummer, man."
Forgive me while I mourn this on a grand scale. 


The 'almosts.'

Thursday, April 19, 2012
I'm relatively green on the dating front. For doing most things so naturally and going with the flow the majority of the time, I make anything and everything involving feelings, men and physical contact completely awkward. And impossible.

I'm not sure if it's my approach, or the whole 'you reap what you sew,' kind of karma thing -- but I kind of always figured I'd rather not over think why and just trust that one day, out of the 7,000,000+ people on the earth, there will be at least one man who not only understands it and knows how to work with it, but finds it just the slightest bit endearing.

Until I find that man, I have some really great moments to hold near-and-dear to my chest. These thoughts don't pop up often, but on the rare occasion they do, I'm flooded with fondness and hope.

This particular moment came to mind while I was lying in shivassinah this evening at yoga, listening to  Nude by Radiohead. It made me think of this guy that used to be in one of the rehearsal spaces I managed at my first job. He was the singer of the band in studio #11 that almost never paid their rent on time. Instead - I often received rent envelopes with a portion of the cash due and note like this:

And I would giggle, and give them a break because they were charming and musicians and... boys. Although I was young at 22, they were younger at 16-20. They'd invite me into their space to hear them rehearse, play their guitars, sing, talk about everything and nothing - and they made me feel included.

Now hanging with the boys is common for me. And I like that, because good girlfriends are really hard to find (though, I've found the best ones) - and guys are just... easier. But it's because of this mentality that I've always singled myself out as the 'non-datable' girl in any group - because being 'one-of-the-guys' automatically makes you feel not-desired at all.

I've always felt like I was  branded as the one who men never choose - even though It's my own fault that happened - and you can bet I'll still bitch about it five minutes after I feel the slightest bit rejected. You can literally see me move from apathy to desperation in 60 seconds flat. I'm absolutely positive this is why I don't date, because after so many years of this conditioning, I will always automatically put myself in this position out of comfort. And it's because of this that I am always surprised when a man shows any interest in me outside of the role of a friend.

And this guy did - out of the blue, on Christmas Day a few years after we met.

"I love you."
"... what?"
"I love you."
"...just like that? Where did this come from?"
"I've always loved you."
"O.k...... Uh... Merry Christmas."

I honestly didn't know what to do with that. So I didn't do anything - because it didn't make sense to me. But  I did what came naturally: kept it friendly - and so we stayed friends.

In 2010, I went on a pub crawl for Halloween and by night's end at 2:30am, I decided out of anyone I could call - I would call him:

"I'm hungry. Let's go get breakfast."
"I'm not leaving the house, but I will make you breakfast."

And I arrived at his house not 10 minutes later. I hadn't seen him in months and months, but I recognized him instantly, as he waited outside on his porch for me - not with toast, or cereal, or oatmeal, but a full CHEESE Plate (we're talking a variety of cheese), with grapes, and berries and a freshly toasted bagel with cream cheese, coffee and orange juice. And I smirked because it's too funny and wonderful all at once, and I'd never had expected that in a million years.

And it doesn't matter how this story ends (I'm sure not how you think), because that's not the point. This is a good moment. This is why movies are made. This is why stories by Nicholas Sparks exist. Because they are real. And I have a few handfuls of moments like this (some that I will never share with anyone because they mean that much).  But this is why you laugh and revel in the stories of 'almost' like this. Because I'm convinced that things like this mean more than bragging about holding down x amount of long-term relationships in your 20s, 30s, however old. I am alone a lot, but I have been lucky enough to experience these things.  And I just wanted to remind myself - and you - that's it's okay...

it's okay.

(side note: can i get a hell yeah for finally focusing on the positive? it's been so LONG!)

No hullabalu - it's true.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Where do I start? Because this is all going to make me sound like sad son-of-a-bitch - which is... 63% true. So here we go... 

I've been thinking a lot lately how applicable pop culture is to one's life when you turn 30. People always tell you things change, and cringe when you mention you've moved into the next decade - and I thought it was all hullaballu, but only two months in,  I'm starting to think there's something to it.  

I don't think I really understood this until now: So many movies have been delivered to us about some miserable sad sack that is only partially good-looking, stuck in an alright job, living a mediocre life, going home to an empty apartment at night, going to bed alone, and waking up to do it all over again. Over and over again. There may be someone he used to love that has long disappeared, but who he thinks about every day.  There may be some past tragedy that has prevented him from living the life he always truly sought as a child. Whatever it is - now he lives for the weekend, he dreads Monday - he has lost all motivation to be the best version of himself because -- what's the point?

And then what always happens? Some amazing happenstance steps in and his life magically gets better. He somehow manages to say a not-so-fond farewell to his prick boss, find or reconnect with love and somehow end up looking really freaking cool. and happy - until the sequel (sidenote: i'm also thinking there are about 17 sequels in each of our lives).

This of course is the obvious, up-front version. In the not-so-obvious one, most of us look pretty happy most of the time (because we are trying so hard to be), attempting to date and find love (because it's what is expected and reiterated as a basic human need and desire), focus on things that are important (family, happiness, pride in one's self, confidence, followthrough, growth, reputation), work hard (even when we're having panic attacks and frozen in fear of not knowing what the heck we're doing - even though we don't know what we really should be doing) and seem to have it together (i.e. have found something in their life to control to appear organized, like exercise, food, color-coded closets, etc.). In reality? We don't. None of us do. And despite this, we all maintain that there is something greater out there for all of us.

And now with the aforementioned plot line, here comes the 63%: I haven't been this damn depressed and lonely for this long of a time well... ever. I feel like I am stuck in a torturous romantic comedy, but instead of two hours, it's 10 years and the protagonist, yours truly, wants OUT of the god damn movie. 

What really gets me, and just like all of those movies confirm, feeling like this seems to be 'the norm' for those of us with half-a-brain and even the tiniest grasp on the world. Then you talk to your friends, and they say they feel the same. You have a beer, laugh about your misery and conclude, "Well, it could be worse."

And yes, I suppose it could. But why should that ever be the silver lining? How is it that that is the thing that gets us to the next day?  I can't ever remember thinking, 'thank you for that quality burst of confidence! Pour another gallon of water in the pool of depression that I have barely been treading through over the last four months. I magically have WATER WINGS!' 

This breaks my heart. I want to believe in something again. I want to know that my amazing happenstance is finally going to step in and light my life on fire again. I'm genuinely convinced that it won't be anything that I go out and find, because I have been whoring myself out over any possible thing that could introduce itself as my glowing solution. But I continually come up empty. I used to think the retort to, 'i'm trying!' was 'try harder.' But, not anymore.  Whatever the hell this happenstance, it's going to have to fall into my lap; trip me; hit me on the head - something. It needs to grow a big pair of balls and make a damn appearance, already.

I surrender and I summon you to me. Game on - whatever/whoever you are - Get on it. 

There's something to it.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I'm posting this with the album cover, because I don't think I could handle watching Mayer's douchy live performance right now. Say what we will, but i really do respect his talent. The fact that he played the music game right, has shown he has true talent really does mean he can bang as many chicks and be as big of a douche that he wants. Why? Because he always delivers on-the-job like we all expect him to. (Suck on that, haters). Johnny always gets the lyrics right. Always. Maybe it's just because he's of my generation, but he somehow effortlessly manages to nail the moments I get stuck in with phenomenal, perfect lyrics as if to say "Here's a catchy song that will make you feel like someone else understands exactly how you feel" when you think that no one ever could.  I know he said in an interview once that it's easy to get it right when you can write and rewrite a million times, but i'm sorry - that is a gift to just cut to the punch like that. i know a lot of musicians and it's a rare few that can get it down pat.

Maybe it's 30. Maybe it's the fantasticalness (sarcasm) of this year so far. Maybe it's something else entirely, or maybe I'm just being moody today - but I feel like there is a GIANT gaping hole in my life, routine, what-have-you and i have no effing idea how to fill it.  I'm stuffing in all of these great things to make life great - friends check - money check - well slept check -  gaining/keeping perspective  - trying new things  - chugging along at a happy pace - etc. etc. etc. still - never enough.  never the right thing.

I need some of the right thing.

what do you do? maybe not be 30? i just don't know anymore.
apparently just keep writing blogs about how consistently lost i feel. that must be fun for everyone. :)

one day...

Sunday, March 4, 2012
my heart's going to open up.
i'm  going to drop the guard and jump on in.
but i'm starting to wonder when that one day will be...
you'd think, just like everything else
it'd be when i decided.
but i keep choosing to let it be now.
and something inside me just keeps saying, 'no.' 'no. you can KEEP WAITING.
you just keep being alone.
keep being invisible.
keep just... being.'

this is really bothering me today.

i have to say i'm pretty happy about the lack of rushing to the phone
or staring it into flashing a green 'text' light.
or ringing.
because i'm not waiting for anyone to call.
not expecting a thing.
such a load off.

i wouldn't so much mind something to be excited about besides all of the things i create on my own.
yes, ok. we've established this. i am very good at creating all the things.

but could the universe, or budah, or whoever the hell is in charge of human resources
find me someone new to be excited about already?
so i can get off the stupid mind/heart-warp that is wrapped around
this handsome, tall boy that i still annoyingly have feelings for that i really don't want anymore.

i've made the brain connection. i'm not sure why the rest of me can't catch up already.
i won the argument.
how are my heart/gut all of a sudden winning again?
it's just g.d. annoying.
knock it off.
quit dicking around and send in a new leading man, already.

and make sure i don't blow it. that's important.
yeah. do that.

About me

I'm Sami Jo From Denver, CO, United States Samantha loves to travel, lose herself in a good book, practice yoga at her favorite local studio, The Yoga Mat, and connect with friends, old and new. Her love of working with creative minds extends into her personal endeavors, as well. She and her husband conduct a project called "Songs For Jake," a music collaboration channel designed with the simple mission of getting great songs to one really big music lover. Through her business, Roger Charlie, Samantha focuses on publicity and management, working closely with authors, musicians, and creatives who find value in a more personal approach through communications.
My profile

Web This Blog


Previous Posts