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The 'almosts.'

Thursday, April 19, 2012
I'm relatively green on the dating front. For doing most things so naturally and going with the flow the majority of the time, I make anything and everything involving feelings, men and physical contact completely awkward. And impossible.

I'm not sure if it's my approach, or the whole 'you reap what you sew,' kind of karma thing -- but I kind of always figured I'd rather not over think why and just trust that one day, out of the 7,000,000+ people on the earth, there will be at least one man who not only understands it and knows how to work with it, but finds it just the slightest bit endearing.

Until I find that man, I have some really great moments to hold near-and-dear to my chest. These thoughts don't pop up often, but on the rare occasion they do, I'm flooded with fondness and hope.

This particular moment came to mind while I was lying in shivassinah this evening at yoga, listening to  Nude by Radiohead. It made me think of this guy that used to be in one of the rehearsal spaces I managed at my first job. He was the singer of the band in studio #11 that almost never paid their rent on time. Instead - I often received rent envelopes with a portion of the cash due and note like this:


And I would giggle, and give them a break because they were charming and musicians and... boys. Although I was young at 22, they were younger at 16-20. They'd invite me into their space to hear them rehearse, play their guitars, sing, talk about everything and nothing - and they made me feel included.

Now hanging with the boys is common for me. And I like that, because good girlfriends are really hard to find (though, I've found the best ones) - and guys are just... easier. But it's because of this mentality that I've always singled myself out as the 'non-datable' girl in any group - because being 'one-of-the-guys' automatically makes you feel not-desired at all.

I've always felt like I was  branded as the one who men never choose - even though It's my own fault that happened - and you can bet I'll still bitch about it five minutes after I feel the slightest bit rejected. You can literally see me move from apathy to desperation in 60 seconds flat. I'm absolutely positive this is why I don't date, because after so many years of this conditioning, I will always automatically put myself in this position out of comfort. And it's because of this that I am always surprised when a man shows any interest in me outside of the role of a friend.

And this guy did - out of the blue, on Christmas Day a few years after we met.

"I love you."
"... what?"
"I love you."
"...just like that? Where did this come from?"
"I've always loved you."
"O.k...... Uh... Merry Christmas."

I honestly didn't know what to do with that. So I didn't do anything - because it didn't make sense to me. But  I did what came naturally: kept it friendly - and so we stayed friends.

In 2010, I went on a pub crawl for Halloween and by night's end at 2:30am, I decided out of anyone I could call - I would call him:

"I'm hungry. Let's go get breakfast."
"I'm not leaving the house, but I will make you breakfast."
"Awesome."

And I arrived at his house not 10 minutes later. I hadn't seen him in months and months, but I recognized him instantly, as he waited outside on his porch for me - not with toast, or cereal, or oatmeal, but a full CHEESE Plate (we're talking a variety of cheese), with grapes, and berries and a freshly toasted bagel with cream cheese, coffee and orange juice. And I smirked because it's too funny and wonderful all at once, and I'd never had expected that in a million years.

And it doesn't matter how this story ends (I'm sure not how you think), because that's not the point. This is a good moment. This is why movies are made. This is why stories by Nicholas Sparks exist. Because they are real. And I have a few handfuls of moments like this (some that I will never share with anyone because they mean that much).  But this is why you laugh and revel in the stories of 'almost' like this. Because I'm convinced that things like this mean more than bragging about holding down x amount of long-term relationships in your 20s, 30s, however old. I am alone a lot, but I have been lucky enough to experience these things.  And I just wanted to remind myself - and you - that's it's okay...

it's okay.

(side note: can i get a hell yeah for finally focusing on the positive? it's been so LONG!)
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