No hullabalu - it's true.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Where do I start? Because this is all going to make me sound like sad son-of-a-bitch - which is... 63% true. So here we go...
I've been thinking a lot lately how applicable pop culture is to one's life when you turn 30. People always tell you things change, and cringe when you mention you've moved into the next decade - and I thought it was all hullaballu, but only two months in, I'm starting to think there's something to it.
I don't think I really understood this until now: So many movies have been delivered to us about some miserable sad sack that is only partially good-looking, stuck in an alright job, living a mediocre life, going home to an empty apartment at night, going to bed alone, and waking up to do it all over again. Over and over again. There may be someone he used to love that has long disappeared, but who he thinks about every day. There may be some past tragedy that has prevented him from living the life he always truly sought as a child. Whatever it is - now he lives for the weekend, he dreads Monday - he has lost all motivation to be the best version of himself because -- what's the point?
And then what always happens? Some amazing happenstance steps in and his life magically gets better. He somehow manages to say a not-so-fond farewell to his prick boss, find or reconnect with love and somehow end up looking really freaking cool. and happy - until the sequel (sidenote: i'm also thinking there are about 17 sequels in each of our lives).
This of course is the obvious, up-front version. In the not-so-obvious one, most of us look pretty happy most of the time (because we are trying so hard to be), attempting to date and find love (because it's what is expected and reiterated as a basic human need and desire), focus on things that are important (family, happiness, pride in one's self, confidence, followthrough, growth, reputation), work hard (even when we're having panic attacks and frozen in fear of not knowing what the heck we're doing - even though we don't know what we really should be doing) and seem to have it together (i.e. have found something in their life to control to appear organized, like exercise, food, color-coded closets, etc.). In reality? We don't. None of us do. And despite this, we all maintain that there is something greater out there for all of us.
And now with the aforementioned plot line, here comes the 63%: I haven't been this damn depressed and lonely for this long of a time well... ever. I feel like I am stuck in a torturous romantic comedy, but instead of two hours, it's 10 years and the protagonist, yours truly, wants OUT of the god damn movie.
What really gets me, and just like all of those movies confirm, feeling like this seems to be 'the norm' for those of us with half-a-brain and even the tiniest grasp on the world. Then you talk to your friends, and they say they feel the same. You have a beer, laugh about your misery and conclude, "Well, it could be worse."
And yes, I suppose it could. But why should that ever be the silver lining? How is it that that is the thing that gets us to the next day? I can't ever remember thinking, 'thank you for that quality burst of confidence! Pour another gallon of water in the pool of depression that I have barely been treading through over the last four months. I magically have WATER WINGS!'
This breaks my heart. I want to believe in something again. I want to know that my amazing happenstance is finally going to step in and light my life on fire again. I'm genuinely convinced that it won't be anything that I go out and find, because I have been whoring myself out over any possible thing that could introduce itself as my glowing solution. But I continually come up empty. I used to think the retort to, 'i'm trying!' was 'try harder.' But, not anymore. Whatever the hell this happenstance, it's going to have to fall into my lap; trip me; hit me on the head - something. It needs to grow a big pair of balls and make a damn appearance, already.
I surrender and I summon you to me. Game on - whatever/whoever you are - Get on it.