one day...

my heart's going to open up.
i'm  going to drop the guard and jump on in.
but i'm starting to wonder when that one day will be...
you'd think, just like everything else
it'd be when i decided.
but i keep choosing to let it be now.
and something inside me just keeps saying, 'no.' 'no. you can KEEP WAITING.
you just keep being alone.
keep being invisible.
keep just... being.'

this is really bothering me today.

i have to say i'm pretty happy about the lack of rushing to the phone
or staring it into flashing a green 'text' light.
or ringing.
why?
because i'm not waiting for anyone to call.
not expecting a thing.
such a load off.

but...
i wouldn't so much mind something to be excited about besides all of the things i create on my own.
yes, ok. we've established this. i am very good at creating all the things.

but could the universe, or budah, or whoever the hell is in charge of human resources
find me someone new to be excited about already?
so i can get off the stupid mind/heart-warp that is wrapped around
this handsome, tall boy that i still annoyingly have feelings for that i really don't want anymore.

i've made the brain connection. i'm not sure why the rest of me can't catch up already.
i won the argument.
how are my heart/gut all of a sudden winning again?
it's just g.d. annoying.
knock it off.
quit dicking around and send in a new leading man, already.

and make sure i don't blow it. that's important.
yeah. do that.
now.