Holy Crow (A sloppy, disorganized post)

Long time.

Mostly because no one ever writes when everything is honky dorey - or when you're SO ANGRY you're stuffing all of your anger into your jaw and suffering major pain... and you can't express it in a public forum in fears someone will find it.

by the by - if someone can write the owner of www.samijolien.com and tell him to please direct the web address elsewhere, i'd sure appreciate it...

Also - no one writes when shit gets real and you are caught in a cycle of panic and worry and focus on things more important. life's been steady. busy. not all great - but taking things a day at a time, and reaching some bizarre calm zen by going to yoga on a regular basis (3-4x per week).

after being home a week + for the holidays and not going consistently, my attitude is definitely feeling the affects. (effects? fuck - i never remember this).

i'm also vacillating between 'use men like kleenex' and 'men are all mother fuckers.'  i'm not actually sure those don't stem from the same place, but moot point -  i can't decide where i'm at most days, though today - i'm definitely in the latter. it doesn't help when i have to be around it and see all this first hand. i hate that i feel this way. really. but come on, men. cowboy up and stop being such useless babies. pull your weight. accept women are the superior species. drop the ego, apologize once in a while, and stop taking advantage of our kind, compassionate natures. (gross. i sound like such a feminist...)

the trouble here is that i really want to have a baby to place in the front seat of my future jeep,  with my loyal, four-legged canine in the back - but how the fuck am i supposed to tolerate the man i created it with for the rest of my life once that happens?

giant dilema here. babies need a daddy - and a good one. i truly want that for my hypothetical child(s). and i want to look down at my babies and fall in love with their faces - partially because i love their father and the traits he will give them.  but i just can't see how that's supposed to happen right now. i am so pissed. and disappointed. and sick of never being at my best with someone because they always inevitably bring out my worst. i fare better on my own. but... i don't want it that way. what is a girl to do? probably adjust her attitude. why can't i just stomp my heels a bit, and let someone else do alllll the work for a change? I think i will. Ok... i'm back to "use men like kleenex."

no... more like, in kindergarten, and you like someone - so you just beat and tease the living shit out of them on the playground. but that description is too long. so... "playground beatdown," ???

This angry hate phase sucks tho (to all people, not just men). It instantly backfires because i feel like i can't be snotty pants without feeling guilty for how it affects the people around me (how come some people are born with the ability to not care about what people think, when I have to be so painfully opposite?).

Then I am constantly overcompensating for my actions by worrying about how the other person is feeling.
like this...
1. give the chilly santa (for lingo confused: cold shoulder)
2. be short, when someone is being perfectly pleasant
3. storm away in a satisfied, justified huff.
4. sit alone and internalize about how rude i was.
5. wonder if this will hurt all future interactions with person.
6. make a pact to be better, not bitter.
7. go back to person for a 'do over.' will be kind and drop all crappy feelings.
8. get struck with unexplained hate.
9. repeat steps 1-8.

ahhhhh!!!! i can't pull out of it.
sneaky hate spiral, anyone?


whatever. the point is - sweet sami's gone a little rogue. let's hope it's just a phase. i think it should be. i really dont enjoy being this callous. but life sometimes includes doing things you don't enjoy.