More than this...

I've always been a Switzerland among our extended family.
Never took sides.
Never black sheep.
Never really... rocked any boats.

This is not to say that everyone else was not of the same fabric... but I never tended to be anyone's "favorite" or pick any favorites of my own, because I had equal favor and comradary with each and all of those aunts and uncles that I've always held in such high regard.

I've always spoken my mind, I blurt out obsenities on random spurs of the moment - and i've never been criticized for it -because that's who i've always been - and most of my extended family has seemed to take that as endearing rather than obnoxious.

At least, I think so - or I really think I would have noticed by now...

I've never been graceful about choosing my words. This is why I am a writer, and not a speaker. Most of the things that come out of my mouth are a big honest slap in the face that ends up being more funny than anything else- and usually the one thing everyone else was dying to say, but felt to polite or embarassed to voice on their own.

I'm not like my mom. I'm not graceful. I"m not soft or overtly optomistic. If it's shit, it's shit. It's not "something difficult that's really built my weaknesses to help me move on to greater things."

And damn right that the bad things have helped immensly, and most times over the good. I will talk about this later... and hold it close in recollection when I am through it. But as I'm knee deep in the shitstorm - i refuse to sugarcoat any turbulations with revolting facades. Expect no response, or if you're a close friend, some extreme cynical comments. It will all eventually pass, and then move me onto the self-esteem/confidence boosting chit-chats (yay!).

But perhaps it is odd that I use my family to define who I am not, in a desperate attempt to speed up the proccess of finding out who I really am.

Every year, I'm grasping more and more onto the reality that is our family.
Every year, I'm saddened that things couldn't just have been left alone and I could have stayed in the ignorant world that I lived in when I was 8. The one where all of my elders where just my that: those to look up to; those to give guidance.

A friend of mine put it simply when his parents were struggling through a divorce:

"It's hard to realize that your parents are people, too."

My aunts and uncles have sibling rivalry.
There are sectors.
They each have their own problems with each other.
They raise their children differently.
They react to their childrens problems differently.
They go home to a different sort of spouse who (unbeknowst to me, as I newly entered the world of 'committed relationships' and had no idea how difficult yet rewarding they are) react differently to the information they so candidly bring to their own family table.

When I was young, I thought everyone got along - everyone loved each other - because all I had to do when we went to family functions was have a blast, laugh and befriend everyone there.

I really thought that each of the nine familys carried on my grandparents traditions and morals and had the same sort of idea when it came to family.

It's not complete rocket science, but it's completely heart-breaking when you really do realize that those that you've held in such high regard; idolized; strived to be better for; talked to honestly on direction and goals: they are just as gifted, yet just as flawed and just as much of a human being as yourself.

****

I came home to heal up. To work on some self improvement and really get some surrounding support by those that I really love.

I now work at a 'family affiliated' company - the first of 17 grandchildren, and the last i think anyone expected - and just as I knew I would - I am not enjoying it very much.

I love the plan set in stone over 60 years ago. I value my families goals and business savvy. So much. But the liability of knowing numerous ins and outs of my life known and talked about without actually asking me or being very involved in it is extremely agrivating.

Having a job 'set-up' for me and available just because of my last name irritates the snot out of me. I thot it an insecurity, but now i'm finding it's only matter of fact in my mind's eye. What works for others just is not going to work for me. I've seen some talk themselves into enjoying what they do.

Do I really want keep convincing myself for 20 years to finally enjoy this new path i've recently taken?
No.

But Is that to say in 10 years I won't change my mind completely?
No.

When you're growing up, I never realized any of this would even be an issue, and now it's all sort of just fallen into place. It really is a blessing just as much as it is a curse.

Some in this city hold high regard of our family, because My grandpa is the coolest man alive... and I have numerous very "jackie-kennedy' classy, awesome family members.

Others give you flack.

When I first moved here and bought a home of my own. BY MYSELF... No financial help, no nothing... I was proud. I still am proud.

But I can't say that I wasn't insulted when the previous owners mother stopped by with keys to my home and emmitted a very annoying comment upon learning my last name.

"Oh..."

Two letters, one syllabal -but her tone said "Oh... so you were just given this house. My daughter worked really hard for it and you're just going to paris hilton your ass around, huh?"

Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That hurts.

Right now, i think I would rather be busting my ass somewhere else with something I earned on my own, on my own terms, doing something that I am passionate about and love, rather that sitting in this constant frame of thought - "Who the hell am I?"

Life's never what you think it will be.
Ever.

And while I'm happy with a lot of the things in my life right now, and will continue fullfilling the commitment I made - continue being happy about being helpful... I just feel like i'm doing just to do - and it terrifies me to be stuck in that pattern - Because a lot of those afforementioned people above... they've done the same thing, and I'd rather learn that repeat...

Maybe this is what I came here for.
And... here it is.

That realization I came for to push me back out into the vast, blue sea on my own, self-operated boat.