The honest truth...

After throwing up rainbows and positive attitude and love and greatness toward others, filling my life with everything wonderful has become a habitual thing. Great, since this is all, for once, authentic, and life is never-ending FUN. Joy. Love.

Sadly, after three months on autopilot for all of this, I've somehow managed to slump into an ugly bit when I'm on my own time, called "lonely and sick of trying."

The good thing is that I've effectively negated any possibility of falling back on any old exes. The bad thing is this leaves me with nothing to think about when satisfying any sole, human need - *heh hem*  - because this inevitably leads to hurt feelings or anger, which negates the entire feeling I was going for in the first place. 

The good thing is that I'm not settling for unhappy in love and really enjoying being a single girl in the city. The bad thing is that I'm lonely as hell and despite all this, still want someone to curl up with on the couch and watch movies with at the end of the day.

The good thing is that in leu of missing out on an old relationship that was never good for either of us anyway is that I've had an array of free time to fill up with my glorious friends, travel, burlesque, movies, etc. etc. etc. The bad thing is that even if I wanted a relationship now, I probably wouldn't have time for it.

The good thing is I've gotten back to me. The bad thing is that I've been missing the hell out of an old boyfriend lately --- and considering the circumstances, this is horrible because there is not chance in hell we could even sit down over a cup of coffee and talk about the good times. This of course, in his mind means that we're back together, which means my wall would have to go back up and on-gaurd, skittish samantha would return indefinitely.  no thanks.

The good thing is I have plans later tonight so that I don't have to sit here on the verge of tears for very much longer. The bad thing is it's just more of the same tomorrow.