Augosto Over
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Praise every god imaginable.
It's been awhile since writing, because my August was bustled in with a bang and ended with an even more catastrophic event.
I've kept telling myself that the only thing that really makes me cry anymore are boys. Boy was that an understatement.
After having to deal with two major men from my past in one month, i have effectively cleaned out my closet of ex boyfriends. One isn't worth dwelling on because, well... why beat a dead horse?
The other, was scarily persistent - and even though my will to eject him from my life has been stronger than his will to stay - I never saw an end in sight.
Enter a protection order and a change of phone number.
Life is good again. Things are finally done and i left all the past 3-5 years in August.
I guess the biggest lesson out of all of that was that all of my life, i've always waited for people to give me closure. I have to figure out the desperate, "Why?" "Answer this?" "Analyze that?" I NEED TO KNOW... and now, it's clear that i've been the one in charge all along.
Tough to grasp, because closure is scary when flooded with that what ifs. But, what if you just keep on running a cycle that limits you from really moving on to a better version of yourself?
That being said, a close friend of mine decided to give himself some closure of his own.
Two Sundays ago, I was out shopping for some boots in the heart of the DNC when I got a call that collapsed me to the bottom of the junior sales rack. My most favorite Christopher, a "brother," someone i've grown up with since the age of five and have especially grown closer with in my four years here in Denver had taken his own life.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around this - because I've been in the midst of someone (now divided by the restraining order, mind you) who threatens suicide at the drop of a dime to try and bring me back into save him. It's been a fresh topic for the last three years, and then it becomes reality with someone I truly love and admire...
Christopher was positive. He always lightened the mood. He has coined a number of my nicknames and my favorite sayings that make me laugh from the bottom of my toes. He always came over with his super-smart electrician knowledge to make my home better looking and more efficient. He stole me away in his jeep cherokee to participate in haunted houses. We'd drive home to Sodak together to drop anchor and listen to Tool, Perfect Circle and other Chris music along the way, then talk about philosophical shit that you can only talk about on long drives. Every Sunday, we'd hit a Mexican DRIVETHRU for disgusting, gut-bomb burritos (his ONLY day off during the week) and feel sick after eating half. Chris always ate two, then we'd jump back into his jeep and go play pool, go on a movie date or ride the alpine slides up in Golden. The list goes on and on, but he always, always was a good friend, and always took care of me.
His best friend, and my brother Oakley said it best that there are just too many memories of him to just pick one. It's the overall sense of who he was and now it's gone. Being home and around our 'crew' was more theraputic than any where else I could have chosen to be - but man, I miss that kid.
One of his friends said it well at his memorial - "He fooled us all. He got us all together."
Cliche, but it makes you look at life differently. There's just no room for the trivial bullshit anymore. And with all of the questions this has provoked within me about god and heaven and all that other bullshit debated over years and years against science, all i can hope is that he is OK and happy and around all of us who loved him all of the time...
On that note - Chris was not only the kind of guy to go out of his way to help you, even if he couldn't really afford to - but a STELLAR musician.
Most girls in high school wanted to be my friend not because of me, but because I was in the little clique revolving around Amnesia - "the greatest alternative band of all time" during our formative high school years. :) I know all of those videos/audios/etc. are still being rounded up - but I do have this video, taped in the house I grew up in --- I had just driven home from college and brought a friend along. No offense, J, but Chris makes you look like a total tool :)
Circa 2004: (Chris is the one tearin' it up :))
It's been awhile since writing, because my August was bustled in with a bang and ended with an even more catastrophic event.
I've kept telling myself that the only thing that really makes me cry anymore are boys. Boy was that an understatement.
After having to deal with two major men from my past in one month, i have effectively cleaned out my closet of ex boyfriends. One isn't worth dwelling on because, well... why beat a dead horse?
The other, was scarily persistent - and even though my will to eject him from my life has been stronger than his will to stay - I never saw an end in sight.
Enter a protection order and a change of phone number.
Life is good again. Things are finally done and i left all the past 3-5 years in August.
I guess the biggest lesson out of all of that was that all of my life, i've always waited for people to give me closure. I have to figure out the desperate, "Why?" "Answer this?" "Analyze that?" I NEED TO KNOW... and now, it's clear that i've been the one in charge all along.
Tough to grasp, because closure is scary when flooded with that what ifs. But, what if you just keep on running a cycle that limits you from really moving on to a better version of yourself?
That being said, a close friend of mine decided to give himself some closure of his own.
Two Sundays ago, I was out shopping for some boots in the heart of the DNC when I got a call that collapsed me to the bottom of the junior sales rack. My most favorite Christopher, a "brother," someone i've grown up with since the age of five and have especially grown closer with in my four years here in Denver had taken his own life.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around this - because I've been in the midst of someone (now divided by the restraining order, mind you) who threatens suicide at the drop of a dime to try and bring me back into save him. It's been a fresh topic for the last three years, and then it becomes reality with someone I truly love and admire...
Christopher was positive. He always lightened the mood. He has coined a number of my nicknames and my favorite sayings that make me laugh from the bottom of my toes. He always came over with his super-smart electrician knowledge to make my home better looking and more efficient. He stole me away in his jeep cherokee to participate in haunted houses. We'd drive home to Sodak together to drop anchor and listen to Tool, Perfect Circle and other Chris music along the way, then talk about philosophical shit that you can only talk about on long drives. Every Sunday, we'd hit a Mexican DRIVETHRU for disgusting, gut-bomb burritos (his ONLY day off during the week) and feel sick after eating half. Chris always ate two, then we'd jump back into his jeep and go play pool, go on a movie date or ride the alpine slides up in Golden. The list goes on and on, but he always, always was a good friend, and always took care of me.
His best friend, and my brother Oakley said it best that there are just too many memories of him to just pick one. It's the overall sense of who he was and now it's gone. Being home and around our 'crew' was more theraputic than any where else I could have chosen to be - but man, I miss that kid.
One of his friends said it well at his memorial - "He fooled us all. He got us all together."
Cliche, but it makes you look at life differently. There's just no room for the trivial bullshit anymore. And with all of the questions this has provoked within me about god and heaven and all that other bullshit debated over years and years against science, all i can hope is that he is OK and happy and around all of us who loved him all of the time...
On that note - Chris was not only the kind of guy to go out of his way to help you, even if he couldn't really afford to - but a STELLAR musician.
Most girls in high school wanted to be my friend not because of me, but because I was in the little clique revolving around Amnesia - "the greatest alternative band of all time" during our formative high school years. :) I know all of those videos/audios/etc. are still being rounded up - but I do have this video, taped in the house I grew up in --- I had just driven home from college and brought a friend along. No offense, J, but Chris makes you look like a total tool :)
Circa 2004: (Chris is the one tearin' it up :))
Labels: Life
posted by Sami Jo at 4:31 PM
I'm Sami Jo
From Denver, CO, United States
I'm from Denver, CO. I love to travel - both alone and with friends - explore new places and really learn the personality of a city. I own my own PR firm and offer support to creative professionals including authors, musicians and small business. My husband writes and performs live music (often for kids at local libraries in town), and we have a little boy who loves to travel as much as we do.