Party of...One?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized when I think about my future, I don't see anyone else in it.

Just me... flying solo. Doing everything...alone. And being fine with it.

Which is funny, because... the whole family thing is appealing to me - and yes i want kids, and a home and a handsome, charming, intelligent, hilarious hubby that is my closest friend and goes to bat when required. He knows when to shut up and show support through silence. He's someone I rarely tire of, and rarely tires of me. Someone who will show, not say and follow through on things that he knows are important to me. Someone that wants me around more than just when he's sad and needs someone to fill the empty space.

I'm just not sure he exists... and if he does, he probably has scaled feet. Or is 4 feet tall. And I don't mean to be shallow, but can't he be wonderful and nice to look at?

But i guess the disconnect makes sense, because I keep picking these shitty, horrible men (nay, they keep picking me, and I go along for the ride. STUPID) and thanks to all of you, you've built me into an even more strong, independent girl and inserted me into the space of feeling like being alone is survival; men are the enemy. Or... they aren't all bad, but the good ones live in some small country 8,000 miles away from Colorado. Who the eff knows.

And everyone has a theory.

"When you least expect it..."

"When you love yourself..."

"When it's your time, it's just your time..."

"Oh, he's there. I just know it..."

But you know, enough already... I think the real problem that is I have settled so comfortably into the idea of being alone and somehow, it's understood to everyone with whom i come in contact. I guess I'm not sure how to change that. How do you change who you are at the core? I'm not sure I want to. There's the problem! :) haha

I just wish I understood why my twenties are being wasted alone when they should be wasted on mad love affairs and summer trysts with handsome men that I'll get to smirk about in my fifties. When do I get to be in love, already?