chicken

i feel like i've regressed a little because i'm starting to feel like i'm playing a daily game of chicken. i hate the whole idea that you have to actively try not to think of someone when alllllll you can think of is how you'd jump up into their arms for a giant hug if they showed up at your doorstep. i think i said once that out of sight out of mind is the remedy for all your sore spots, but i'm not sure that it always rings true when true-grit emotion is involved. this is so annoying.

so i have a lot of conversations with myself about how i need to turn to logic and stand my ground because it seems like the right thing to do. especially when you finally learn that the only thing that is constant is change, and you can't force anything, and maybe if you're patient, and can stand calm through it all that things end up working in the end anyway. despite all the stupid pride and wasted time.

i hate being a girl sometimes. i'd like to call in my male side, punch a dude and be done with it. but then again, at least i feel. at least i'm open. at least i admit it. and at least i won't regret the things i have said or shown in the past that were consistent with these notions. i mean, i guess yay for that, but i still don't have what i want - which is just to have the person around.

so you know, you still win. how nice for you.