I have a confession to make...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Just like any other human being out there, I question myself often and look to outlets to reaffirm that I'm not utterly repulsive/unintelligent/unwanted.
The unfortunate thing about the last three months is that I have felt pretty undesirable 100% (as opposed to only 45%) of my days. Not awesome. I'm not sure I can put my finger on exactly why this is, but all things considered, I haven't been very shiny, happy lately. A wise woman told me once that if you're hungry, you wait it out for the steak and lobster rather than cramming some hydrogenated crap potato chips in your face. In theory, this makes sense - and there's a lot of fine food in my life - but it always seems like the fake crap is always easier... and cheap.
So I've been filling myself up with words from someone whom I 1. don't respect 2. don't want near me and 3. i don't trust because I can't seem to be strong enough to pull myself through the low period. I don't feel great about it. I don't feel guilty either, but I know it's not aiding in getting me back to a better self esteem.
Add in the factor that when the person you're using for affirmation has a little problem at cutting off supply, this entire cycle seems incredibly unfair...
In observing my faults, I've also recognized a few other people doing this to me, as well.
I am their greasy bag of salt and vinegar. I don't want to be anymore.
Which I guess is just as much on me as it is these over-eaters.
Common sense, but I guess it takes some of us longer than others.
Hopefully I can stick to this. I'm not getting any younger. Or happier.
The unfortunate thing about the last three months is that I have felt pretty undesirable 100% (as opposed to only 45%) of my days. Not awesome. I'm not sure I can put my finger on exactly why this is, but all things considered, I haven't been very shiny, happy lately. A wise woman told me once that if you're hungry, you wait it out for the steak and lobster rather than cramming some hydrogenated crap potato chips in your face. In theory, this makes sense - and there's a lot of fine food in my life - but it always seems like the fake crap is always easier... and cheap.
So I've been filling myself up with words from someone whom I 1. don't respect 2. don't want near me and 3. i don't trust because I can't seem to be strong enough to pull myself through the low period. I don't feel great about it. I don't feel guilty either, but I know it's not aiding in getting me back to a better self esteem.
Add in the factor that when the person you're using for affirmation has a little problem at cutting off supply, this entire cycle seems incredibly unfair...
In observing my faults, I've also recognized a few other people doing this to me, as well.
I am their greasy bag of salt and vinegar. I don't want to be anymore.
Which I guess is just as much on me as it is these over-eaters.
Common sense, but I guess it takes some of us longer than others.
Hopefully I can stick to this. I'm not getting any younger. Or happier.
posted by Sami Jo at 9:39 PM
I'm Sami Jo
From Denver, CO, United States
I'm from Denver, CO. I love to travel - both alone and with friends - explore new places and really learn the personality of a city. I own my own PR firm and offer support to creative professionals including authors, musicians and small business. My husband writes and performs live music (often for kids at local libraries in town), and we have a little boy who loves to travel as much as we do.