Sad, Sad Me.

I'm a lovely shade of Tomato. But only on my nose. And my forehead. And my forearms. Damn you, scooter burn.

It makes it pretty difficult to pickup men at the laundramat when I look like this.
But about that...

I'm not sure why it took six months... but I'm JUST NOW starting to feel all of the hurt from the prior year-and-a-half.
Everything. My actions. His actions - how if affected the people around me. The damn dog situation (I can't even look at a damn puppy without crying) - the sickness, my friends who were actually in retrospect- extremely supportive and always there and I couldn't give back because I was spent on someone else. But what mostly urks me was all of the constant lying.

I've always been blundt honest. It's usually funny - but always a good way to live - because as long as your truthful - then you don't have to worry about much of anything (as well as locking your brain up with a bunch of shit you don't ever need to think about). I've always looked for the same in anyone I knew. You ask, what's your biggest pet peeve, and lying flies right to the top of my list (along side all of you fucking gum-chewers that sound like Dairy Cows, pen-clickers and people at concerts that rub their forearm against my forearm ever so gently... Don't ask me why - it's some kind of claustrophobia thing).

To constantly cover your ass so you can bury yourself into a deeper hole over and over and over and over (hit me) - again -- and still have me stand by your side is beyond me.
How can you have someone so loyal and good by your side and take advantage of that? Why?
I"m done trying to find out why in these cases. You suck it up all you want to. It is none of my affair.
To have me doing that for oh, about five years of my life REALLY urks me - because it's not my style - and I don't know how I let those people slide.

Finding out one is in deeper shit than when I last left him and that the other still spins around the same "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" speeches really only confirms two things.
1. I made some good decisions on those people.
2. I have no faith in men anymore.

None.
I've actually moved into the "If" category and away from "when" regarding getting married.

But that last one really changed me. And I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse - because I feel like I've moved completely away from who I was and into some pathetic recluse that stays shut in save for work, grocery shopping and the occasional movie rental.
I"m mostly OK with that - because I'm fun to hang out with.
But damn, that space of loneliness gets really big sometimes.

So now, because my feelings do get hurt especially easily, I'm all guarded and stand-offish with friends because I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is a verbal-waste of time and I'm just hindering the mood by being there. Every little thing turns into something bigger than it needs to be and my vulnerability right now is taking it for a wild roller coaster ride.

How insecure does that sound? Because on a scale of Not - Raging - I'd give it "I pity the foo."

I had so much more to throw-up here, but I can't seem to express it correctly - so I"ll just save you the rest of my Debbie Downer attitude and bid you a good evening.