Stupid Television

For all of you that collectively yell, "KILL YOUR TV," I think you finally may be right.

The whole reality craze has really taken off over the last few years - even after certain networks devote entire hour-long shows to the truth behind reality shows and how they're completely scripted (to an extent) and encouragable (of provoking viewer ratings).

I'm sorry - but I thought it was true to american form that once we find out the real dirt on someone/something, we turn our backs and talk them into the ground?

Apparently there is an exception in television, because a whole load of crap is coming out for us couch-socialites over the next few summer months. Maybe it's supposed to help those of us without air conditioning cool off a little...

Curious? Here are just a few I've plucked from my own personal boob tube:

1. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels
When?: July 15, 10pm EST on VH1


If you've ever been playing "Six Degrees of Seperation" in regards to Flava Flav and Brett Michael's, you've now been given the shortest possible path ever - provided exclusively by Vh1

1. Sureal Life 1 - Flava Flav and Bridgette Nielson
2. Spawns Flavor of Love -Flava Flav with the Hobag 9000 crew.
3. Spawns I Love New York 1 and 2 (which also spawns Charm School - starring Monique.
4. Spawns Rock of Love with Bret Michaels

Ding Ding Ding Jackpot.

History on Brett Michaels:
Born in '63. Joined one of the greatest 80s hairbands of all time. Dated Pam Anderson (sex tape was released), Susie Hatton and even had two daughters with a Kristi Lynne Gibson (the second born in 2005).

I predict a few heart-felt solo guitar serenades to the dried-out blonde rocker groupies and still not proposal or permanent hook up. Why? Because Everyone know's Bret's first love is music (and himself).

2. Scott Baio is 45... and Single
When?: July 15, 10:30pm EST on VH1

VH1 Says: "Scot Baio finds himself at a mid-life crisis of mythic proportions, wondering why he's still single, alone and still unable to settle down and commit to a substantial, meaningful relationship."

Scott Says: "I didn't want to do a reality show. The Concepts were always meaningless and the people seemed pathetic. Maybe I"m a little pathetic. But this isn't Scott Baio getting a colonoscopy. It's about a guy trying to get his life together, trying to figure out why he's never been married and what his problem is (USA Today)."

Hey Scott,

Short answer to your midlife Crisis - you're in the Hollywood Biz.

First of all - let me say how cruel it is that producers have names the show "45...and Single." Welcome to every single woman's biggest fear.

The cool thing about you is that nearly every age generation from 15 - 60 can relate because you've been on so many cool shows. Girls think you're hot and guys think you're rad because you've dated some of the most primo women out there (hello, Pam Anderson again)...

Why are you "woe, is me-ing" on national television?

Didn't you see Being Bonaducci???? We all know you're not a raging alcoholic, but don't you wonder if you were married and really let your younger days of acting really screw you up that bad - that you may be in the same situation?

I don't know Scott. Charles doesn't really seem very in Charge of this decision to broadcast your midlife crisis to everyone in America --

Lovingly,
Your-better-choice-for-a-Publicist.

P.S. Couldn't you have just went out and bought yourself a really horrible orange lamborgini or delorian?? Most men would die to drive around LA Bimbos in one of those things at 45...

3. Hey Paula
When?? Back to back episodes on June 28th, 10pm and 10:30pm ET/PT on Bravo, then Every Thursday.



First off, can I just say, it's "Hey, Paula!" not Hey Paula. Ahh.. I"m appeased.

We've been watching Paula (Ms. Abdul, if you're nasty) on American Idol for the last five (or is it six?) years - and every year, she appears to dip lower and lower into her prescription bottles.

I feel compassion for her. I really do, because E! aired a THS special on Paula and her life has been unbelievable rough -- an eating disorder, suffering from a rare neurological disorder - complex regional pain syndrome, reflex sympathetic dystrophy and I seem to recall a plane crash where (duh) she survived. That's a traumatic life and I'm not suprised she's on pain meds 24/7.

This show actually could be pretty amusing. It's kind of like what we can expect from Britney spears in 20 years -- Go to rehab a few times - have Dr. Phil fix you up on a few dates - act like a retard in interviews while you're smooching your dogs on the lips full-on and still manufacturing your own perfume line.

So many parrallels!

I'm not really sure what to expect. Maybe some humility? Or appaulance? Is that a word? I bet Paula uses it...

4. Making the Band 4
When?? Started June 18 - every monday at 10.

Oh. My. Land. Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean Combs, whatever-he's-going-by these days is doing his fourth round of Making the Bands -- but this time with BOYS!

Several reasons this won't work.

1. The Boy Band Era was in 1999-2000. Such artists that benefited: Lance Bass (hello, he got to go into space), Justin Timberlake (actor, solo artist, broke it off with Britney), um... O Town? No... wait.

The current music scene boasts a number of Brittish artists and amazing raw-to-the-bone singer/songwriters. Puffy's Man Slaves? No, Thank you.

2. Lou Pearlman busted. The boy band industry is tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky..

3. A Boy version of wait... What was his girl project called? Fuck if I know...

You can reinvent the wheel - it's true to form that most things recycle themselves about every 20-30 years. Fashion, music, people. ha. Try this again when you're 70 and it's 2035 and maaaaybe your pet boys will get more of a bite. I know I'd watch Puff Daddy in the elder years.

This is just a slice. I'd love to go into Age of Love but it's just so ridiculous I can't.

Maybe they should Put Scott Baio and Bret Michael's on there competeing against each other with Paula Abdul as one of the lucky suitorettes, as they dance to Puffy's new boy band and THEN you'll have a kick ass show.

In case you travel down this veign of programming (hahaha. "Fresh Hell"):

Pirate Master - CBS
Shaq's Big Challenge - NBC
The Ex Wives Club - ABC

Well, FOX - looks like you've finally raised the bar for television Crap! :) Way to go!