There's something to it.

I'm posting this with the album cover, because I don't think I could handle watching Mayer's douchy live performance right now. Say what we will, but i really do respect his talent. The fact that he played the music game right, has shown he has true talent really does mean he can bang as many chicks and be as big of a douche that he wants. Why? Because he always delivers on-the-job like we all expect him to. (Suck on that, haters). Johnny always gets the lyrics right. Always. Maybe it's just because he's of my generation, but he somehow effortlessly manages to nail the moments I get stuck in with phenomenal, perfect lyrics as if to say "Here's a catchy song that will make you feel like someone else understands exactly how you feel" when you think that no one ever could.  I know he said in an interview once that it's easy to get it right when you can write and rewrite a million times, but i'm sorry - that is a gift to just cut to the punch like that. i know a lot of musicians and it's a rare few that can get it down pat.

Maybe it's 30. Maybe it's the fantasticalness (sarcasm) of this year so far. Maybe it's something else entirely, or maybe I'm just being moody today - but I feel like there is a GIANT gaping hole in my life, routine, what-have-you and i have no effing idea how to fill it.  I'm stuffing in all of these great things to make life great - friends check - money check - well slept check -  gaining/keeping perspective  - trying new things  - chugging along at a happy pace - etc. etc. etc. still - never enough.  never the right thing.

I need some of the right thing.

what do you do? maybe not be 30? i just don't know anymore.
apparently just keep writing blogs about how consistently lost i feel. that must be fun for everyone. :)

one day...

my heart's going to open up.
i'm  going to drop the guard and jump on in.
but i'm starting to wonder when that one day will be...
you'd think, just like everything else
it'd be when i decided.
but i keep choosing to let it be now.
and something inside me just keeps saying, 'no.' 'no. you can KEEP WAITING.
you just keep being alone.
keep being invisible.
keep just... being.'

this is really bothering me today.

i have to say i'm pretty happy about the lack of rushing to the phone
or staring it into flashing a green 'text' light.
or ringing.
why?
because i'm not waiting for anyone to call.
not expecting a thing.
such a load off.

but...
i wouldn't so much mind something to be excited about besides all of the things i create on my own.
yes, ok. we've established this. i am very good at creating all the things.

but could the universe, or budah, or whoever the hell is in charge of human resources
find me someone new to be excited about already?
so i can get off the stupid mind/heart-warp that is wrapped around
this handsome, tall boy that i still annoyingly have feelings for that i really don't want anymore.

i've made the brain connection. i'm not sure why the rest of me can't catch up already.
i won the argument.
how are my heart/gut all of a sudden winning again?
it's just g.d. annoying.
knock it off.
quit dicking around and send in a new leading man, already.

and make sure i don't blow it. that's important.
yeah. do that.
now.