Iron Shield

Ok, One week later... this post comes to you after about three other posts that I started and never finished/published.

Last weekend I was reminded of a feeling that I haven't really thought about for the last two months. I didn't block it out - I didn't make it disapear - it was just a good time to set it aside and let other things rule me for awhile.

I think sometimes it better to think awhile before inserting my foot in mouth (especially after doing so already last year)... and after talking with a good friend about what my next move should consist of - he mentioned letting it fester until that bitter, angry, hurt, upset little girl goes away.

She's not gone yet.

I think my bitter attitude hides out in my subconcious. I've been having a lot of dreams circling around the issue. My aunt once told me you can work out entire math equations in your sleep - but I can't figure out how to get rid of this hurt. I've never been good at it.

Going through the motions - i'm a pro. I can fake it to all end - but I never really let go of something when it hurts me. I have been constantly amazed at those people that can forgive and forget so easily. I don't know if I should wish to be better at it, or be ok with me being built that way - because if someone treats you shitty - why should you think they'll ever be different?

Again I bring up the question of nature vs. nurture. I heard someone say today that it's nature - you're born with that certain personality and that's that. Child # 1 is never the same as Chid #2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.

I can remember countless times in high school/college when I would look at all of my friends in normal relationships and me still dateless (i didn't even kiss a guy until I was nearly 20) and thot, You know... all of my friends have married parents. they're so lucky. they're normal. I'd probably be dating people, too if I had a good example in my household. (Luckily now, I do).

Certainly, I wasn't born to be so akward/scared around boys? I've been completely naive and trusting and go along with whatever looked normal among my friends. It's no wonder I've been kicked around (sometimes literally) for the past 5 years.

By nature - I'm outgoing. I'm strong. I'm fun. I have more boyfriends than girlfriends - and the girlfriends I do have don't spend 3 hours getting ready to step out of the house in jimmy choos.

I don't know how to show affection. I've always thought myself something to be desired, but never to be attained. Why is that?

I'm good at keeping you interested from afar, or keeping you away when you get too close. With the exception of one person (and even he didn't want me the way I wanted him to, I sometimes think, for the same reasons), I've felt like I'm always set to disapoint. I know that's the first hurdle to really loving full on - but when everyone thus far has shown me (nurture) this is how it is - how am I supposed to expect othewise?

I'd probably have saved about 5 years + of being so miserable and be enjoying wedded bliss with my english bloke if I wasn't such a sheepish whore. It's not that I have low self-esteem or low confidence -- I just dont' know how to change the way I am in this regard...

Notably, this crosses over to a lot of my friendships (the reason I started this entire post 4 times over, now). My friends are always affectionate and open - just the way I like them - but I always feel a little out of sorts when they lean in for a kiss on the cheek or a big hug every time we hang out. I always felt like the shmoopy-shmoopness was uncomfortable (which is funny, because my very closest ones will say the opposite). What's with the fucking gaurd wall? Why hasn't that gone away yet?

All of this comes to you live from Common Grounds in Highlands on a rainy Saturday night, and I need to stop before I start crying and make a fool of myself...

But there's me - being open - with the strong shield of a computer screen holding you at bay. Do I seem cool in writing? Because I"m probably not in person...