It's the Wierd Things in Life...

That really get us by, right?

The things that don't make sense? It gives us so much time to sit and think and run our mouths and try to come to some daft conclusion with all of our friends.

I often wonder if I should start inventing stuff, because those crafty, extremely efficient japanese folk keep patenting a boatload of inventions that i just... don't understand (click on thumbnails to see large version):

The Chew Counter
Sure, we have pedometers... scales... stop watched. Why not have a counter you strap around your head and wear to the restraunt to check and make sure you're chewing enough before you swallow your food - just like good ole' mommy told you! Hell, why not build an entire diet franchise off of this. Ya'all know I'd be standing in line waiting for my fat head strap!



Land Goggles
I can only imagine this had of been invented for all of you folk scared of heights and flying. Forget the natious feeling... now you just strap on these goggles and always see sand. Why not just throw sand in your eyes?? Or by a grass mustache. It can be overgrown - and needs a mow --- but you're going to hold off since it helps you feel more grounded.




Leg Laundry
This is coming from the girl who told her mom when she was eight that I wantd a motorhome (avacado green) so that she could drive me to school and I could sleep til the absolute latest possible moment. Efficient, I know! So naturally, I gravitate toward the leg laundry system. I hate doing laundry. I love when it's done and put away and the moment I realize I don't have to think about it for a week +. Why not carry it around and make people wonder why the hell my leg is so damn deformed.



Supportive Subway Sleeper
Frankly, I wouldn't be very surprised if I saw someone wearing this on our transit system - because most people downtown are weird - and selling their "girlfriends" shirts that they actually stole from Ross to buy crack in the alley. But, I'd love to sit across from this chick and laugh, because you know that suction cup has got to loose suction at some point and I'd like to be sitting ready with a video camera when it peels off the window and she wakes up in painful shock after smacking her head on the standing rail. ahhahahaha.



Business Floatee
I'm still not sure I really understand this one. How is it different than any other intertube you sit in in the pool when you're loungin with magazines? Oh no wait... Am i required to wear a full, 3-piece business suit and glasses to operate? And be in a duck pond? Lord knows that's how all businessmen read the wall street journal.



The Super Smoker
Anyone who knows me knows I'm constantly on a mad campaign to end smoking. I'm allergic. It makes me sick. I should know - I dated a smoker for two years and ended up with tonsilitis or strep throat every month - leading to a tonsilechtimy. So all of you that never listen - grab one of these and eat your hearts out - in a small, enclosed room with no windows... for a day straight - and maybe you'll get to wear I am on the hate scale.




Tooth Saver
Sadly, I have to report, this is not a new invention. I wore one of these my freshman year of high school. It's called a twin block - and your face really does look that stupid when you wear it. On top of being fat, ugly and akward - this really killed my chances of ever getting a kiss on new years eve - and consequently, never left me glad that i didn't have to brush my teeth later.




Shoe Sheers
Wouldn't the energy needed to whip your legs about to sheer the grass with these extensions over-exert the effort it takes to just use your forearms and triceps to cut them manually? Just saying...









Pasta Gaurd
Let's please regard the tag line: Helps rapid lunchers protect expensive coiffeur. Because wearing a big lobster bib never looked more stupid than wearing a giant, japaneese fan on your face. And how is this protecting her hair, when it's clearly hanging below the device? Have the Japeneese never heard of a pony tail holder? I'm sure with all the wild fashions they have there, they have to have scrunchies.




The World's Largest Swiss Army Knife
Swiss Army Knifes are freaking cool - but not when they're the size of a sears toolbox.









Extendo Arm
You gotta love that some dude couldn't just stand up to reach that extra 3 feet and grab the remote. Why not get a bigger remote? Why not make your wife do it? Why not train your dog? Why does this need to look like a fake, human hand that you'd normally see on halloween covered in blood and squirming in some witches bowl? My question is... what do you do when your lazy arm grabber is out of reach? Huh? HUH!?!?






Inspecogoggles
"Spot your friends before they regognize you from behind!" Right - because if you're wearing glasses with giant goggles extending from them - they're not going to run in the other direction. This gives new meaning to your mom really having eyes in the back of her head. And the fact they're on such sweet, 1980s shades really amps the appeal...


[thanks to lisa for photos]