Reliance On...

Sometimes I get so tired of everyone relying on me so much, that on a whim, I kind of just want to fuck the expectations of others of me to be graceful and just take a deep breath and bow out with a vengeance. This is my wild hair - and at the moment it's sticking straight north and tempting me to do something a little crazy.

I've had several people tell me, "follow your heart and the rest will fall in place."

And so, I've been cramming everything that my heart wants into the hours of 5pm and 9am (excepting weekends) and still not feeling like i'm completely appeasing one of my core decision makers. I'm not upset, or unhappy - just wondering - because that's what 26-year-olds do.

With all of the things I wonder on a day-to-day basis - one thing that I feel certain on as of late: if you can learn to overcome loneliness - you become invincible.

If I were going to make a music video...

I"m pretty sure I'd want it to be exactly reminiscent of this:
All my ladies with the beautiful gams - where you be?! hahahahaahh

Wow... Good Week

I'm inching closer to a week-vacation home. INCHING. Besides spending qt with the fam and my very favorites... I'm really looking forward to air conditioning. :)

Funny... because I have an ac unit that weighs approximately 150 pounds in the garage, but the fact that it does, in fact, weight 150 pounds, is the whole reason I haven't brought it up to start cooling my tin-can sized apartment. Oh, that and it freezes over.

I've been getting creative with cooling - mostly that I sleep on an ice back while laying with my feet dangling over the side of my bed in front of a $15 fan I bought at Queen Supers.

Beside the point, it has been a great week. Productive in every sense of the word - but mostly emotionally.

I feel funny, because it's taken me a year and change to get over my last relationship - and I can officially say I am FINALLY done. I think the Guinness Book may be responsible for imprinting me somewhere under "longest break-up EVER" because it has been HELL. It's been rough.

And not to go into detail, because it's all too hot to handle in one shot... so I won't :) I'm sure you've seen plenty of Lifetime Movies (starring Tori Spelling) mirroring my last relationship exactly.

So i've dived through devastation, anger, confusion, compromising, worry, dissapointment, severe anger, hate, depression, shame. All the while still trying to stand up in battle and i've come full circle to finally feeling just like myself and also, feeling nothing toward this person anymore.

If we're going to visually draw this out... the spider webs spun tightly around every last bit of me have finally been cut. Homegirl is F-rreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

And this had no point really, except to celebrate. Out loud. :) And to thank my kick-ass support system (you all know who you are). Truth is, I couldn't do it a year ago because I couldn't do it alone... I went through most of that shit up there by myself, because I was too embarassed to talk to anyone about it... but when I finally opened my mouth - I was shown nothing but compassion... xoxo

Dream Analyzing...

This is a little dicey, so roll with me here...

After thinking of some solid, good things before drifting off, I ended up dreaming about ... my wedding.

Weird - but kind of pleasant after being so down on love lately.

I felt very rushed.

Correction. Everyone around me felt so rushed. I felt just fine... at peace.

For anyone who has actually seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, it was much like being surrounded by all of the women in that film: pushing, pulling, moving, etc. I was even late to my own wedding... and upon arriving, still not dolled in makeup and without my hair done (easily fixed by a single-bobby pin). But I drifted along at my own pace because I knew everything would get done and if people had to wait a few minutes more for me - it way my day, so everyone could just have to stop fussing and be patient.

Anyone who knows me knows this is fairly uncharacteristic of me... but something I'm trying to strive for more often. I distinctly remember my wedding dress... Pure white and lots of it... not like the Brittish Queen's mile-long wedding train scary, just ample and surrounding, with thick enough shoulder straps to securely conceal my bra (yes! double bonus). All throughout the dress were silver swirls... not like, floral or gaudy - but... i dunno. just gorge. and vintage. a la me. fitting.

Sadly, I woke up before i ever got a face to the groom.

But since the gown seemed to be the most significant part of the dream, i looked it up...

gown = getting in touch with your feminine side
silver = intuition and feminine aspects of self.

So pour on the feminine wiles. I think this is a good thing. I feel abnormally calm today...