Sleeping off the Funk

I slept the entire day. This is not an exaggeration. 

We're talking up at 11:30am, back to sleep at 12:30pm. 

Up at 3pm, back to sleep at 4:30pm, and finally up at 8:30pm.

In between, I caught slivers of serial killer

 shows on E! and what they considered to be breaking news (pop culture, of course). Obnoxious.

I must note that I have been sleeping in the oddest of positions - mostly crab-shaped, face down and burrowed into pillows. I never sleep on my stomach... Ever (Apparently, in Freefall position, I'm feeling criticized, which is dead-on with how i've been feeling about my sense of self, so there ya go - Usually I'm a Yearner).

I've been pretty low the last week or so. No reason in particular, just... how I feel. I can't explain it, I'm not going to try - and I'll leave it at that, because I'm hoping that's just something all of us go through and not some abnormal crash i've been feeling. Ebbs and flows...

I've been working hard in the dreamworld, and true to form, an old friend shows up when my self worth is lying in the gutter.  

Last night was no exception:

Living in Denver, I walked into a bar (pretty sure I was pregnant) and chatting up with friends, I find my most favorite Christopher, clean cut in a grey t-shirt and jeans and grab his shoulders to wrap my arms tightly around him.  He allowed it and we stood embraced for a very long time.  When we pulled away, he asked me who I was and what I was doing. 

We bantered back and forth for awhile, he trying to convince me he wasn't who I thought - and me arguing that "yes, you are!". I actually had convinced myself (not only in dreamworld) that his funeral last year was just a production. After probing, he finally admitted I was right, and that he did all of this so he could start a new life in Denver - that he was glad to see me, but that I could tell no one.  I got his new name... Eoin Raker (it looked like Windbreaker when written).  

We caught up - laughed, hugged. I ran to the bathroom and pulled my shirt up to make sure I was pregnant - a solid baby bump confirmed that I was showing at about six-months. Just like every other pregnancy dream, I have no idea who the dad is - but I had an odd feeling that the baby would display a lot of Christopher traits. 

I woke up and stared at the ceiling for a good 10 minutes, feeling full, but sad. I half wonder if I slept the rest of the day hoping to build off of the dream, but it was to no avail. I miss you CAB.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Matt Nathanson - Suspended

You lead me, fit around my tongue

It's so easy, to forget that I'm lost
Spent all of my life, waiting for answers
To lift me, to numb me, to define it all

Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this

'Cause all I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in
When you pretend that I'm all that you waited for
Time slips to nothin' and I'm better than I've ever been
i'm suspended

You're breathing, filling up my lungs
I can almost believe that I'm almost enough
Spent all of my life empty of anthems
Bracing for something that never did come

Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this
Sunshine, I'm beginning to like it

'Cause all I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in
When you pretend that I'm all that you waited for
Time slips to nothin' and I'm better than I've ever been
i'm suspended

It's not enough to stay surrounded
It's not enough to stay awake,
Torn, and braced, cornered
And not feel alive

My Weird Defense Mechanism

For some reason, I was programmed at a young age to think people had malicious intent when people got too close, and damn the man who should have power over my heart. In retort, I end up retaliating by channeling my secret identity "Molly Meanpants" because for some strange reason, ignorance and withholding, especially after over exposure of feelings means power. Granted, there's normally some situation that's triggered this reaction, and in the last few weeks, this cycle has sent me through a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. The only difference this time is that I'm aware of it, thus rendering everything pointless while I'm still attempting to fight a needless battle. Not awesome. (Really) old habbits die hard, and gosh darnit if I could just figure out how to negate the whole thing! How does one do this?