Stupid Television

For all of you that collectively yell, "KILL YOUR TV," I think you finally may be right.

The whole reality craze has really taken off over the last few years - even after certain networks devote entire hour-long shows to the truth behind reality shows and how they're completely scripted (to an extent) and encouragable (of provoking viewer ratings).

I'm sorry - but I thought it was true to american form that once we find out the real dirt on someone/something, we turn our backs and talk them into the ground?

Apparently there is an exception in television, because a whole load of crap is coming out for us couch-socialites over the next few summer months. Maybe it's supposed to help those of us without air conditioning cool off a little...

Curious? Here are just a few I've plucked from my own personal boob tube:

1. Rock of Love with Bret Michaels
When?: July 15, 10pm EST on VH1


If you've ever been playing "Six Degrees of Seperation" in regards to Flava Flav and Brett Michael's, you've now been given the shortest possible path ever - provided exclusively by Vh1

1. Sureal Life 1 - Flava Flav and Bridgette Nielson
2. Spawns Flavor of Love -Flava Flav with the Hobag 9000 crew.
3. Spawns I Love New York 1 and 2 (which also spawns Charm School - starring Monique.
4. Spawns Rock of Love with Bret Michaels

Ding Ding Ding Jackpot.

History on Brett Michaels:
Born in '63. Joined one of the greatest 80s hairbands of all time. Dated Pam Anderson (sex tape was released), Susie Hatton and even had two daughters with a Kristi Lynne Gibson (the second born in 2005).

I predict a few heart-felt solo guitar serenades to the dried-out blonde rocker groupies and still not proposal or permanent hook up. Why? Because Everyone know's Bret's first love is music (and himself).

2. Scott Baio is 45... and Single
When?: July 15, 10:30pm EST on VH1

VH1 Says: "Scot Baio finds himself at a mid-life crisis of mythic proportions, wondering why he's still single, alone and still unable to settle down and commit to a substantial, meaningful relationship."

Scott Says: "I didn't want to do a reality show. The Concepts were always meaningless and the people seemed pathetic. Maybe I"m a little pathetic. But this isn't Scott Baio getting a colonoscopy. It's about a guy trying to get his life together, trying to figure out why he's never been married and what his problem is (USA Today)."

Hey Scott,

Short answer to your midlife Crisis - you're in the Hollywood Biz.

First of all - let me say how cruel it is that producers have names the show "45...and Single." Welcome to every single woman's biggest fear.

The cool thing about you is that nearly every age generation from 15 - 60 can relate because you've been on so many cool shows. Girls think you're hot and guys think you're rad because you've dated some of the most primo women out there (hello, Pam Anderson again)...

Why are you "woe, is me-ing" on national television?

Didn't you see Being Bonaducci???? We all know you're not a raging alcoholic, but don't you wonder if you were married and really let your younger days of acting really screw you up that bad - that you may be in the same situation?

I don't know Scott. Charles doesn't really seem very in Charge of this decision to broadcast your midlife crisis to everyone in America --

Lovingly,
Your-better-choice-for-a-Publicist.

P.S. Couldn't you have just went out and bought yourself a really horrible orange lamborgini or delorian?? Most men would die to drive around LA Bimbos in one of those things at 45...

3. Hey Paula
When?? Back to back episodes on June 28th, 10pm and 10:30pm ET/PT on Bravo, then Every Thursday.



First off, can I just say, it's "Hey, Paula!" not Hey Paula. Ahh.. I"m appeased.

We've been watching Paula (Ms. Abdul, if you're nasty) on American Idol for the last five (or is it six?) years - and every year, she appears to dip lower and lower into her prescription bottles.

I feel compassion for her. I really do, because E! aired a THS special on Paula and her life has been unbelievable rough -- an eating disorder, suffering from a rare neurological disorder - complex regional pain syndrome, reflex sympathetic dystrophy and I seem to recall a plane crash where (duh) she survived. That's a traumatic life and I'm not suprised she's on pain meds 24/7.

This show actually could be pretty amusing. It's kind of like what we can expect from Britney spears in 20 years -- Go to rehab a few times - have Dr. Phil fix you up on a few dates - act like a retard in interviews while you're smooching your dogs on the lips full-on and still manufacturing your own perfume line.

So many parrallels!

I'm not really sure what to expect. Maybe some humility? Or appaulance? Is that a word? I bet Paula uses it...

4. Making the Band 4
When?? Started June 18 - every monday at 10.

Oh. My. Land. Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean Combs, whatever-he's-going-by these days is doing his fourth round of Making the Bands -- but this time with BOYS!

Several reasons this won't work.

1. The Boy Band Era was in 1999-2000. Such artists that benefited: Lance Bass (hello, he got to go into space), Justin Timberlake (actor, solo artist, broke it off with Britney), um... O Town? No... wait.

The current music scene boasts a number of Brittish artists and amazing raw-to-the-bone singer/songwriters. Puffy's Man Slaves? No, Thank you.

2. Lou Pearlman busted. The boy band industry is tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky..

3. A Boy version of wait... What was his girl project called? Fuck if I know...

You can reinvent the wheel - it's true to form that most things recycle themselves about every 20-30 years. Fashion, music, people. ha. Try this again when you're 70 and it's 2035 and maaaaybe your pet boys will get more of a bite. I know I'd watch Puff Daddy in the elder years.

This is just a slice. I'd love to go into Age of Love but it's just so ridiculous I can't.

Maybe they should Put Scott Baio and Bret Michael's on there competeing against each other with Paula Abdul as one of the lucky suitorettes, as they dance to Puffy's new boy band and THEN you'll have a kick ass show.

In case you travel down this veign of programming (hahaha. "Fresh Hell"):

Pirate Master - CBS
Shaq's Big Challenge - NBC
The Ex Wives Club - ABC

Well, FOX - looks like you've finally raised the bar for television Crap! :) Way to go!

Science, Dinosaurs and Maybe a few other Touchy Issues

I'm programmed pretty heavy on the right side of my brain -- Artist, Photography, Journalist, Interior Design, Graphic Design -- hell, i'm even left handed.

But I"m always reminded that I'm equally brainy/intrigued when I get excited about Accounting procedures (my mom calls it the "Indiana Jones of Numbers" - which oddly enough - is completely accurate), logic puzzles (Although I wasn't a HUGE fan of Philosophy of Logic 320 in College - I am a Sudoku and Brain Age addict) and Science.

There's something so gratifying about knowing that not EVERYTHING is an unknown (especially in your 20s) and that some things actually do add up to an exact.

I don't know where most of you stand on the whole Doctor Vs. Alternative Medicine debate - but after seeing an Alternative Health Care Doctor/Chiropractor for eight years on and off resulting in problems (emotional, physical, mental) being fixed because my body had the answer vs. the series of doctors I visited the last two years that covered up the constant string of strep and tonsilitus only to have it revist time and again (because it wasn't a virus - it was a person) --- I pretty much swing toward letting my body do the work in deciding what's wrong.** I guess both are Science - but it's all in how you use it. It's incredible to me that your body has most of the answers.

Last summer, I went to the Body World's 2 exhibit at the Museum of Natural History - alone - because most of my friends here are creeped out by, well... dead bodies that are essentially preserved FOREVER so that you can walk within inches of the body and study what diet/lifestyle/smoking/exercise, etc. does to your system. So eerie, but so cool. I have a feeling it may change some people's opinions on abortion, if they so choose to journey beyond the curtain...

Taking that for itself wasn't enough tho. I spoke with an aunt of mine who does constant research and she advised I read two books (having to do with this issue) and also that the doctor who put the exhibit together is German - and... Nazi's used to do experimentation like Body Worlds on the jewish during WW2.

"How do they get a pregnant woman that smoked to donate her body to science for that exhibit? How did they find a man with an exact condtion for his traveling feature?"

Makes you wonder...

My new and latest interest is something I saw on the News this morning.
HOLY FREAKING COOL.

Like everything else AWESOME that comes out of the UK - scientists have spent six years and $20million to develop Walking with Dinosaurs - an exhibit that has recreated those creatures that walked the earth six billion years ago and they're taking it on the road to 100 US Cities. Like a little kid too curious for my own good - I CAN"T FREAKING WAIT TO GO.

I'm impressed. There is a core skeletal structure that forms the dino - then a foam layer over it that houses all of the muscle bags, and then skin to complete the figure.

The smaller dinos are sort of like a huge costume - and the larger ones (stegosaurus, t-rex and bronty) are operated by a driver - as the car is hidden beneath. How much fun would that job had been to create?

Oh to be a child in the 21st Century.

Check out the video below and see for yourself. Then call me if you want to go with me to see the display/show when the Dino's come to town:

A Letter to a Lost Loved One

Dear Sleep,

It has come to my attention that after our 25 healthy years (mostly, aside from a few very short instances) of beloved 9-hour-a-night sleep routines, you have left the building.

Thanks, Sleep. Just what I needed - one more thing to stress me out.

I hate to be a bitch about all of this, because I know how hard it is to break up with someone (add stress factor #1 to the chart), but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

We were the perfect mesh.
I'd come home from a tough day or being grouchy and you'd take over and help me escape from the world.
Now all I have is anger and bitterness on top of a 7-day migraine and when I'm up at 4:30am crying, you're not there to swoop over and make me forget until morning.
It really is devastating, and I'm deathly afraid that if you don't come back soon, I'll slip slowly into depression.

Because of all this, your evil nemesis' Dark Circle and I. Bags have now set up shop on my face. It's not pretty.
In Fact, I'm finding it damn near impossible to even look in the mirror. Who's that ugly hag in the mirror? She looks 45, not 25. She looks like a worn-down mother of three. Not a vibrant, swingin' city girl in her twenties that scooters in dresses and laughs at every little thing. Give me back my youth!

I know it's been a rough patch the last couple of years. Moving a few times (#2), a rotten love life (#3,4,5,6,7 and 8), the house back home (#9), a new job (#10), a new environment (#11) - so much going on! But I'm blind-sided now because you stuck it out then, but now - all of a sudden - you're nowhere to be found - right when I need you the most.

I"m hoping you're going to give me a second chance here - I just bought new, clean sheets and pajamas. They're white; you're favorite....but can you please give me any hint as to when? It's been five weeks now, and I've been patient - and I've been trying to drown out your absence with drugs and exercise... but nothing's working. I miss you too much.

Please come home. Soon. I need you.
(and so does everyone else. Ask them - they can't stand me without you).

xoxoxoxo
Sami

Sad, Sad Me.

I'm a lovely shade of Tomato. But only on my nose. And my forehead. And my forearms. Damn you, scooter burn.

It makes it pretty difficult to pickup men at the laundramat when I look like this.
But about that...

I'm not sure why it took six months... but I'm JUST NOW starting to feel all of the hurt from the prior year-and-a-half.
Everything. My actions. His actions - how if affected the people around me. The damn dog situation (I can't even look at a damn puppy without crying) - the sickness, my friends who were actually in retrospect- extremely supportive and always there and I couldn't give back because I was spent on someone else. But what mostly urks me was all of the constant lying.

I've always been blundt honest. It's usually funny - but always a good way to live - because as long as your truthful - then you don't have to worry about much of anything (as well as locking your brain up with a bunch of shit you don't ever need to think about). I've always looked for the same in anyone I knew. You ask, what's your biggest pet peeve, and lying flies right to the top of my list (along side all of you fucking gum-chewers that sound like Dairy Cows, pen-clickers and people at concerts that rub their forearm against my forearm ever so gently... Don't ask me why - it's some kind of claustrophobia thing).

To constantly cover your ass so you can bury yourself into a deeper hole over and over and over and over (hit me) - again -- and still have me stand by your side is beyond me.
How can you have someone so loyal and good by your side and take advantage of that? Why?
I"m done trying to find out why in these cases. You suck it up all you want to. It is none of my affair.
To have me doing that for oh, about five years of my life REALLY urks me - because it's not my style - and I don't know how I let those people slide.

Finding out one is in deeper shit than when I last left him and that the other still spins around the same "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" speeches really only confirms two things.
1. I made some good decisions on those people.
2. I have no faith in men anymore.

None.
I've actually moved into the "If" category and away from "when" regarding getting married.

But that last one really changed me. And I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse - because I feel like I've moved completely away from who I was and into some pathetic recluse that stays shut in save for work, grocery shopping and the occasional movie rental.
I"m mostly OK with that - because I'm fun to hang out with.
But damn, that space of loneliness gets really big sometimes.

So now, because my feelings do get hurt especially easily, I'm all guarded and stand-offish with friends because I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth is a verbal-waste of time and I'm just hindering the mood by being there. Every little thing turns into something bigger than it needs to be and my vulnerability right now is taking it for a wild roller coaster ride.

How insecure does that sound? Because on a scale of Not - Raging - I'd give it "I pity the foo."

I had so much more to throw-up here, but I can't seem to express it correctly - so I"ll just save you the rest of my Debbie Downer attitude and bid you a good evening.